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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Karen Lawrence who wrote (15186)	6/29/2000 8:06:00 AM
From: MrsNose	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62567

It's "Let's pick on men today instead of blondes". . . What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract. How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. How can you tell when men are well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE.....He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? Big Foot's been spotted several times. What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..." Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before your masterpiece. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there! It's "Let's pick on men today instead of blondes". . . What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract. How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. How can you tell when men are well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE.....He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? Big Foot's been spotted several times. What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..." Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before your masterpiece. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there! It's "Let's pick on men today instead of blondes". . . What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract. How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. How can you tell when men are well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE.....He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? Big Foot's been spotted several times. What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..." Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before your masterpiece. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there!

To: Karen Lawrence who wrote (15186)	7/2/2000 9:57:09 PM
From: John Messbauer	Respond to of 62567

After getting robbed this guy decides to go to the pet store and get a really ferocious dog. The guy at the pet store tells him, "I've got the perfect dog for you." So, he shows him a dog that's just sitting there licking his butt. He says to the employee, "This doesn't look like a very mean dog. Do you have any others?" To which the employee responds, "This is the meanest dog I have. He just got done eating a lawyer and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Kellogg's is coming out with a new cereal for impotent men. It's to be called "Nut N Raisin Honey" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ This was working in a wall street investment bank when someone from the information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords in the new software system. My colleague Barry with his usual rebellious attitude entered the password"Penis". We all fell on the floor with laugher when the computer replied: * PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT ***