2001 DARWIN AWARDS
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It's that time again! The awards this year are classic. These awards are
given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who
through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove
undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
5th RUNNER-UP
Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at
the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad.
The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital.
The accident occurred about 3a.m.,the Mono County Sheriff's department said.
Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley
and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt.Mike
Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.
The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group
apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed
into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit
was the one with its pad removed.
4th RUNNER-UP
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis
market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot
dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found
him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch
wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
3rd RUNNER-UP
Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above
him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd RUNNER-UP
"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably
related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet
to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his
mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth,
and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank
during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man
had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it."
"It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He
put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips
and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition
Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson
at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing
something like that," Payne said.
1st RUNNER-UP
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through
the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon
from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during
an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably
known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous)in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A
friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's
right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimetre to the left, a
major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly.
Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland
said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding
at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.
Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he
surely would have killed himself.
Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that
afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been
filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the
initiation stunt is under investigation.
Now THIS YEAR'S WINNER.
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the
great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at
the George Washington amphitheatre. Having no tickets (but having had 18
beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine
foot fence and sneak into the show.
They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr.
Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and
then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky,
there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved
himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was
abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that
snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he
looked down and saw some bushes below him.
Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket
knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.
Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves
scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts,
a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, on landing, his
pocket knife penetrated his thigh.
Mr. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a
rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly
driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse
and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police
arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck
and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they
found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum,
a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in
the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win... |
