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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Tomato who wrote (23145)	3/30/2002 11:44:35 PM
From: SIer formerly known as Joe B.	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62558

Milton Berle's Best Gags Wed Mar 27, 7:19 PM ET By The Associated Press story.news.yahoo.com "The Thief of Bad Gags" — through such jokes as these, from his book "Milton Berle's Private Joke File." _Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. _I'm so henpecked I cackle in my sleep! _A worm has some things going for it. For instance — it can't fall down! _He lives on the wrong side of a one-track mind! _Last month I put in a rock garden. Two of them were dead in the morning! __They should never send up three astronauts in one capsule. Sooner or later they'll start arguing about who gets the seat by the window! _The Army is trying to become more attractive to recruits. In the mess hall now they have strolling violin players. _(A musician) played in Key West. It was the first time I knew what key he was in. _My new parrot must have been raised in a tough neighborhood. He won't talk without an attorney! _I just returned from my vacation. I'm still recovering from bus lag! _A great actor was asked for the ten thousandth time, "How'd you become a star?" He answered, "I started out as a gaseous cloud. Then I cooled." ----------------------------------------------------------- Berle's Quotes on Early TV Days Wed Mar 27, 7:18 PM ET By The Associated Press story.news.yahoo.com Some reminiscences on the early days of television in the 1974 autobiography "Milton Berle": (On giving himself the nickname "Uncle Miltie" while trying to fill time when his live show came up short one night.) I started ad libbing, digging out anything I could think of. Then I said to Nelson, "How are we doing?" It felt like I had used up 15 minutes. He held up five fingers. That's when I remembered those requests from mothers. Since I was running out of things to say, I went into a spiel off the top of my head. "Since this is the beginning of a new season, I want to say something to any of you kiddies who should be in bed, getting a good night's rest before school tomorrow. Listen to your Uncle Miltie, and kiss Mommy and Daddy good night and go straight upstairs like good little boys and girls." ___ Today, if a television show is in the top 30, the sponsor is happy. But back at the beginning, the sponsor was nervous if you weren't in the top five, and if you fell below 10 you were dead. Whenever I took my week off in the 1951-52 season, the show took a nose dive. There were now enough shows on television for the viewer to shop around. And when I came back after a week off, I had to work twice as hard to pull the show back up. ___ Sharkey, a trained seal, had a great act. He could balance anything. One of the things he balanced was a potty. Only nobody told Sharkey that NBC had cut the potty bit — too offensive in those days — from his act. Everything went great in Sharkey's act until it was time for him to balance the potty on the tip of his nose. No potty. The poor seal kept wandering around the stage looking for his potty. He wouldn't get off. The audience howled, and the show ran overtime again. ___ This is not to say I was a saint during the "Texaco" days. I was rough, and I have lots of regrets about things I did and said, for the way I pushed and shoved and bullied during those hysterical years. My only defense, which is no defense, is the pressure I worked under, and the person I was raised to be. You take a kid at the age of 5 and make him the star of the family, and then take that same kid out into the world and make him a star with everybody catering to him as if he were something more than another perishable human being, and it's a miracle if that kid doesn't grow up to be a man who believes he's Casanova and Einstein and Jesus Christ all rolled into one.