Once my friend told me that he had found Jesus. I thought to myself, "WooHoo, we're rich!" It turns out he meant something different.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
On the other hand, we have different fingers.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
I bet if you were in some old west gang, and you were dragging a guy along the ground with your horse, It'd probably make you really mad to look back and see him reading a magazine.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
Folks still remember the day Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon it was bouncing higher and higher. The tire popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept on bouncing. Some say it bounced clear over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like ‘Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!’ and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, ‘That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.’ Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
If I ever went to war, instead of throwing a grenade, I'd throw one of those small pumpkins. Then maybe my enemy would pick up the pumpkin and think about the futility of war. And that would give me the time I need to hit him with a real grenade.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
Why can't the ant and the caterpillar just get along? One eats grass, the other eats Caterpillars... Oh, I see now.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
If you rob a bank, and your pants fall down, its okay to laugh. and let your hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
I hope an animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs there because I might think I have a good idea but its really just the eggs hatching.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
Why do bunches of people run from a shark when they see one, if there is a bunch of people, and only one shark, wouldn't it be easy to just attack him and kick his ass?
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
If a cop pulls you over for speeding and comes over and askes you how fast you were going, a good thing to say is 'I dunno, i was speeding the whole time.'
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep Dracula and_Superman away.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
I was taking my little nephew to disneyland, but i decided to play a mean trick. i pulled up next to an old, burned down warehouse. "Oh no," i said. "Disneyland burned down." He started crying, and i was about to tell him it was all a joke and drive to the real disneyland, but it was getting kinda late.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
If anyone ever says that they hate war more than I do, they better have a knife.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Dark Humor
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English."
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
When I was younger, there was a house on my street that I thought was haunted. At night you'd hear screams coming from all over the house...plus anyone who went in, never came out. Later I found out it was just a murderers house.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
The funny thing about driving your car off a cliff, I bet you're still hitting those brakes.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
I was heartbroken when I heard about all those people in the chernobyl nuclear meltdown. It would be kind of cool to have kids with two glowing heads, though.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He started telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, "Monet" or "Manet", I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
- Jack Handey, In Art
There is nothing sadder than a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Give it up little guy.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
I think that a hat that has a cannon that comes out, fires, and then goes back in is at least a decade away.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, 'within reason.' When I asked her what she meant by 'within reason,' she said, 'You ask a lot of questions for a garbage man.'
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
My favorite uncle was Uncle Caveman, we called him that because he lived in a cave and every once in a while he would eat one of us, later on we found out he was a bear.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn't kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
"Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form 'spokes.' Happiness is when he stops."
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?
- Jack Handey, In Love
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!"
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shoc k whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president.
- Jack Handey, In Weird
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo flying across in front of a beautiful sunset. And he has a beautiful rose in his beak. And also he is carrying a very beautiful painting in his feet. And also, you're drunk.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
The only thing that makes me believe in UFOs is that, sometimes I lose stuff.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.
- Jack Handey, In Humor/Jack Handey |
