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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Doug Coughlan who wrote (26393)	1/29/2003 3:07:23 PM
From: hcm1943	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

"A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults." -Louis Nizer (1902- 1994) "I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop "He is a self-made man & worships his creator." - John Bright "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."-Irvin S. Cobb "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."-Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) "He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul."- David Lloyd George "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."- Moses Hadas "His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open."- Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable) "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."- Samuel Johnson "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Paul Keating "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."-Jack E. Leonard "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."- Abraham Lincoln "You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it."- Groucho Marx "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."- Thomas Brackett Reed "He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."- James Reston (about Richard Nixon) "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."- Charles, Count Talleyrand "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"- Mark Twain "A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity." - Mark Twain "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."- Mark Twain "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West "She is a peacock in everything but beauty." - Oscar Wilde "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."- Oscar Wilde "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."- Andrew Lang (1844-1912) "He stepped into the stream but the water had already moved on."- Unknown "But is the children learning?"-George W. Bouche

To: Doug Coughlan who wrote (26393)	1/29/2003 3:56:34 PM
From: SofaSpud	Respond to of 62549

Do you remember junior high /high school? If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at the dance, Jim and Sheila went behind the gym and they got to second base!" Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the Bases. First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days. First Base-This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not. Second Base-Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact. Third Base-Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner. Home Run-This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases. Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado... Standardized Guide to the Bases! On Deck: Having plans for a date; Strike-Out: Duh!! Walk: Kissing; Bunt: Masturbation; Single: Tongue kissing; Double: Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels; Triple: Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation; Inside the park home run: Oral Sex; Home Run: SEX! Ground Rule Double: would have sex, but no condom; Error: Condom breaks during sex; Banned for life for gambling: sex without condom; Hall of Fame: Marriage. Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better explain all the things that can happen now a days. Balk: Premature ejaculation; Pine Tar: KY jelly; Relief pitcher: Vibrator; Rain Delay: parents/roommate return home unexpectedly; Box Seats: Waterbed; Seventh Inning Stretch: Unusual positions; Rookie: Virgin; Minor Leagues: Under 18; Loaded Bases: menages a trois; Grand Slam: Sex four times in twelve hours; Foul tip: VD; Three up and three down: impotence. Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity. OLD WAY- We, um, got to third base I guess and then we, um, got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her. NEW WAY- First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and I started thinking, it's hall of fame time. NEW WAY- So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher. Well, there you have it, I hope it has cleared up a lot of the confusion and helps you out...