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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: robbie who wrote (26826)	2/24/2003 6:46:24 PM
From: Doug Coughlan	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar? "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"

To: robbie who wrote (26826)	2/24/2003 8:09:51 PM
From: The Rabbit	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

>> Think of it as affirmative action for the slow-witted offspring of the rich and powerful. I do. > Think of questioning the president's credentials as liberal crybaby whining. I do. Think of stopping the use of the First Amendment, in order to quell any opinion other than one's own, as ultra-right-wing initial attempts to dismantle the Constitution (with more to come). I do. OJ: === Q: How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb? A: 5, 1 to do it and 4 to say "I could do it better". Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? A: Homeless. Q: What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza? A: A large pizza can actually feed a family of four.

To: robbie who wrote (26826)	2/25/2003 3:48:43 PM
From: Geof Hollingsworth	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62549

Sigh. After reading your posts, I can see why you feel that Bush is so intelligent. I expect you feel that way about most of the people you meet, see, or hear about. And while I have been called many things, often with good reason (and sometimes accompanied by appropriate hand gestures), this is the first time I have been called a liberal, either fiscally or socially. Libertarian, maybe. The prospect of me being a liberal must have Lloyd George spinning in his grave! It is as wrong for you to assume that all who oppose the impending invasion are liberals as it would be for me to assume that all who promote it must be knuckle-dragging troglodytes (;-). And it is requirement to provide a joke with every post (the obligatory joke, or OJ). IDIOTS AT WORK (or pre-darwin awards)... I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there. IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it > was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask." Idiot Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?" Idiot Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck. Idiot Sighting #4: I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on. Idiot Sighting #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."