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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: haqihana who wrote (28551)	7/7/2003 4:27:19 PM
From: The Rabbit	Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 62552

You do not have the privilege of telling me, or anyone else, what to do. But apparently you do. Why do you ask liberals to stop posting anti-conservative jokes, if you believe this? Try Lithium.

To: haqihana who wrote (28551)	7/7/2003 8:16:10 PM
From: Nazbuster	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62552

sorry, this IS a JOKE THREAD.. LIVE WITH IT.. Political topic or not. Post a joke or stay silent. YOU ARE NOT THE GROUP THINK MONITOR. (WHAT HE REALLY MEANT!) Aug. 17, 1998 CLINTON: Good evening. (Yo.) This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. (Today, I got my ass dragged over the coals.) I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer. (I was lying like crazy trying to cover my ass.) Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight. (I got busted and now I'm trying to minimize the damage.) As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. (I conned everybody during the January deposition. I played a semantics game and was able to slither away without actually telling the truth.) Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate. (I have given a new definition to the term "screwed by the Government".) In fact, it was wrong. (We exhausted the Kama Sutra.) It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible. (I was horny.) But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action. (Hope you brought a shovel `cause here comes the bullshit...) I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression. (I lied like a bitch.) I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that. (Guess who's not `getting any' tonight?) I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. (I thought I'd get away with the whole damn thing.) I was also very concerned about protecting my family. (Not to mention my testicles; Hillary has her own version of `Soccer'.) The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too. (I didn't think there was a chance in hell that things would ever go this far.) In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, dealings I might add about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrong doing by me or my wife over two years ago. (I was worried that Ken Starr would dig up MORE dirt on me.) The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation. (I'm still continuing my efforts to discredit the people who've caught me with my hand in the Nookie jar.) This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people. (Can't everybody just leave me alone?? Boo-hoo! Whaaaaaahhh!!) Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most -- my wife and our daughter -- and our God. (Git offa mah land `fore I shoot me a trespasser!) I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so. (If you think I bullshitted you before, you ain't seen NOTHIN' yet!!) Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours. (The longer this matter stays in the public eye, the bigger my chances are of being recognized as a two-bit punk who has a taste for tender, young meat.) Even presidents have private lives. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our national life. (-cough- -cough- -choke- I'm having trouble breathing with this Smoke Screen that's gone up...) Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can do. (I got busted but maybe you won't see though my flimsy facade.) Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on. (Mom! Make the Bad Man stop!!) We have important work to do -- real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters to face. (You are getting sleepy. Soon you will forget. Yes, forget everything...) And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century. (Now that I've made a laughing stock out of the US, given the Arab Nations a legitimate reason to use the term `American Pigs', and blown my credibility all to pieces, why not just grab a beer and pretend like none of this ever happened? --C'mon, baby, relax.) Thank you for watching. (Sorry you had to see this.) And Good Night. (Ok! That's the signal! Al, shoot Hillary with the tranquilizer gun! Chelsea, tell Air Force One to lay in a course for Tehran! I wanna go somewhere safe!)

To: haqihana who wrote (28551)	7/7/2003 8:17:06 PM
From: Nazbuster	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62552

A little boy needed $100 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up, and decided to send it to President Clinton. President Clinton was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you letter to God which reads as follows: "Dear God, Thank you so very much for sending me the money. Inoticed you sent it through Washington. As usual those bastards deducted $95 as tax."

To: haqihana who wrote (28551)	7/7/2003 8:20:56 PM
From: Nazbuster	Respond to of 62552

Ashley walked into the White House for her first day of her internship and was greeted by the President. After a short tour of the White House the President asked, 'How would you like to see the Presidential Clock?' Ashley looked troubled and said 'I don't know Mr. President. I have heard some pretty bad things about you. I don't think that would be a good idea.' 'Nonsense' said the President. 'It's just a clock.' Ashley agreed and the President led her into the Oval Office where they were alone. He closed the door, dropped his pants, and pulled it out. Ashley gasped. 'Oh that's not the Presidential Clock, that's the Presidential Cock!' To which the President responded, 'Ashley, honey, once you put a face and two hands on it, it's a clock!'

To: haqihana who wrote (28551)	7/7/2003 8:22:39 PM
From: Nazbuster	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62552

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question". The teacher asked, "Who said 'For Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy answered first. Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut". The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"

To: haqihana who wrote (28551)	7/7/2003 9:04:45 PM
From: The Philosopher	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62552

Chris, Why should I be forced to argue politics only on the political threads, For the same reason that decent people don't write graffiti on their neighbor's house. It's called acting with respect and consideration. The contrary is called vandalism. You can vandalize a thread every bit as much as you can vandalize real property. If you're that kind of person, there's not much decent society can do with you except toss your sorry tail in jail. OJ: CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE --- "You Are Different and That's Bad" "Dad's New Wife Timothy" "Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games" "Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets" "The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad" "Babar Meets the Taxidermist" "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence" "The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables" "Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse" "The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy" "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will" "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead" "How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School" "Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"

To: haqihana who wrote (28551)	7/9/2003 3:50:46 PM
From: SI Bob	Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 62552

Chris, Why should I be forced to argue politics only on the political threads, when you liberals feel free to argue politics, in the form of nasty jokes, on the Laughter thread? When you guys clean up your acts, I will clean up mine. You have no more privileges than I, or anyone else, does. Don't tell me to skip any thread. You do not have the privilege of telling me, or anyone else, what to do. Perhaps not. Meet the guy who does. If you don't like the kind of humor that's posted in this thread, don't read it. Easy. And if you continue to harass this thread, you won't be posting anywhere on the site. Your posts have been off-topic. It's bad enough that the political ranting is such a large part of the site. But if it's contained to the areas meant for it, no problem. The problems happen when people try to spread that virus around the whole site, and I'm not going to allow it. Regards, SI Admin (Bob)