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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: sandintoes who wrote (31693)	6/9/2004 10:53:27 PM
From: Doug Coughlan	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62593

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is." When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was." An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap." A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!" When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!" THE SENILITY PRAYER Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

To: sandintoes who wrote (31693)	6/10/2004 6:37:31 AM
From: Guardian	Respond to of 62593

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???" Well," replied the man..."I guess a spanking is out of the question?" ===================== For Men When NOT to Propose Men who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before proposing marriage. * In the kitchen, has she ever referred to an oven as "that square thing?" * Does she use the phrase "you know" more than twice per sentence? * Is she making monthly payments of more than $300 to a plastic surgeon. * Have you noticed her name tattoed on three or more local bikers? * Have you noticed three or more local bikers' names tattooed on her? * Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to an old boyfriend's? * Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to the Green Bay Packers? * Does she have a wholesale source for Deodorant-in-a-Drum? * Has she ever used the word poo-poo? * If forced to use it at all, does she choose to spell the word sex? * Does her resume include a six-year stint at Big Leg Emma's House of Painful Delights? For Women When NOT to Accept a Proposal Women who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before accepting a proposal of marriage. * On his first date with you, did he pick you up early so you could help with his laundry? * To reach him in an emergency, would anyone think to call the local adult bookstore? * Has he ever bragged about seeing every episode of "Gilligan's Island" at least four times? * Is it unclear to some people whether that's a mustache or just a lot of unruly nose hair? * Is his idea of a classy restaurant one where every table has its own stack of ketchup packets? * Does his car get more than sixty miles per gallon? * Does the label on his deodorant include the phrase "Industrial Strength?" * Has he memorized the telephone number of at least one bail-bondsman?