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Pastimes : The Non-Political Joke Thread -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: mph who wrote (190)	7/29/2004 2:24:39 AM
From: Lazarus_Long	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 1755

hollander has been PROMISING engineer jokes. But not delivering. Reminds of lawyers I've dealt with. So till Holly gets her whatever in gear, you'll have to put up with lawyer jokes. ======================================================== A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator." ========================================================== An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell. When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."

To: mph who wrote (190)	7/29/2004 8:11:48 AM
From: Lady Lurksalot	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 1755

mph, You write, " . . . but there were not nearly enough consultant and/or engineer jokes to placate me<g>" How are these for openers? By the time I have finished posting all the engineer and/or consultant jokes I find, Laz is going to wish I had never learned to use Google--much less that he sent me out on this mission. <g> Holly Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match. Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday. Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words. Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions. Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day?" Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car". Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window. Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B. Real Engineers know how to take the cover off of their computer, and are not afraid to do it. Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich. Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny. ----- The Dictionary: what engineers say and what they mean by it Major Technological Breakthrough. Back to the drawing board. Developed after years of intensive research. It was discovered by accident. The designs are well within allowable limits. We just made it, stretching a point or two. Test results were extremely gratifying. It works, and are we surprised! Customer satisfaction is believed assured. We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all. Close project coordination. We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this. Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties. We are working on something else. The design will be finalized in the next reporting period. We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something. A number of different approaches are being tried. We don't know where we're going, but we're moving. Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem. We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while. Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive. The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch. The entire concept will have to be abandoned The only guy who understood the thing quit. Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch. Essentially complete. Half done. We predict... We hope to God! Drawing release is lagging. Not a single drawing exists. Risk is high, but acceptable. 100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the manpower, we may have a 50/50 chance. Serious, but not insurmountable problems. It will take a miracle. God should be the program manager. Not well defined. Nobody has thought about it. Requires further analysis and management attention. Totally out of control. The project is designed for high availability. Malfunctions will be blamed on the operators mistakes. This project has low maintenance requirements. We wouldn't let the technicians change a light bulb, much less fool around with our baby. The software is being developed without excessive process overhead. The documentation will be written in clear and lucid Chinese. The delivery is scheduled for the last quarter of next year. This leaves us plenty of time to decide who to blame for it being late.