ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one.
The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your
life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test
to discern the truth.
THE ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...
A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing
a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who
writes "It depends." in the margin of the test or simply blames the
whole stupid thing on "Marketing."
SOCIAL SKILLS - Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction: stimulating and thought-provoking conversation, important social contacts, or a feeling of connectedness with other humans. In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions: get it over
with as soon as possible, avoid getting invited to something
unpleasant,and demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all
subjects.
GADGET FASCINATION - To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: things that need to be fixed, or things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE - Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and
if no private parts are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE - Dating is never easy for engineers. A "normal" person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. By definition, engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs before losing their virginity.
HONESTY - Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say
things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them.
An incomplete list of engineer lies is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your expensive and hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."
CONCENTRATION - If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
RISK - Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something. Examples of bad press for engineers: Hindenberg, Space Shuttle Challenger, SPANet(tm), Hubble space telescope, Apollo 13, Titanic, Ford Pinto, Corvair.
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK - Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD - A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this valance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt the project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible, but it will cost too much."
EGO - Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers: How smart they are; How many cool devices they own. The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolveable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolveable problem until it's solved.
No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal - a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and
hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times because they just forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than anything you can imagine.
Nothing is more threatening to an engineer than the suggestion that someone has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's
not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Jim to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal
person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
These are the most common signs of an engineer. If the person in question does not exhibit many of these characteristics, chances are they they're simply trying to get a raise.
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COMMENTS:
SOCIAL SKILLS - What makes you think you are so important that I should take time away from important matters to pay attention to you?
GADGET FASCINATION - OF COURSE we have gadget fascination! If we didn't, we wouldn't be engineers! Geesh!
FASHION AND APPEARANCE - You want that? THey got lots of it in San Fran. Problem is, they're all gay.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE - What are those?
HONESTY - You can't cheat Mother Nature. Why try?
CONCENTRATION - If it were an easy problem, YOU'D have solved it and wouldn't need an engineer, right?
RISK - Next time the bridge falls down with you on it, think again about the preoccupation of engineers with risk. Still think we're so stupid?
Hindenberg - Political. US wouldn't sell the Nazis helium.
Space Shuttle Challenger - Management. The engineers were overruled. THEY knew not to launch in temps that cold.
SPANet(tm) - Who?
Hubble space telescope - Management. NASA management wouldn't fund the necessary tests on the ground, so they paid 100X as much for a repair in space.
Apollo 13 - Technician screw up.
Titanic - Management. No engineer told the captain of that gloating go-kart it was an Indy 500 racer.
Ford Pinto, Corvair - Management, management.
REWARD - Too little for what is required of engineers.
EGO - If you don't have one, you're in the wrong business. |
