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Pastimes : The Non-Political Joke Thread -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Lazarus_Long who wrote (422)	8/17/2004 11:00:41 PM
From: Karin	Respond to of 1755

Use a "double barrel"

To: Lazarus_Long who wrote (422)	8/17/2004 11:06:09 PM
From: Karin	Respond to of 1755

Alaskan Party Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible. He sees he postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on His door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars...your neighbor from 40 miles away...having a Christmas party Friday....thought you might like to come.....about 5." "Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin." "Not a problem ... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?" Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.

To: Lazarus_Long who wrote (422)	8/18/2004 10:41:51 AM
From: PatiBob	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 1755

That's similar to a bumper sticker I have on my car. It's also in my profile.<g> Member 4472075 Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ..I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing! (Sign over the entrance to the old SR-71 Blackbird operating base Kadena, Japan). You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot) The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky. (From an old carrier sailor) If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash. Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club. What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ...the pilot dies. Never trade luck for skill. The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?" "Where are we?" and "Oh, Nuts!" Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers. Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight. A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication. Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there! Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it. When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten. Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day. Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible. The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; ...it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot) A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut) If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot) Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you. There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970). "What is the purpose of the propeller? The purpose of the propeller is to keep the pilot cool. You don't believe that? If the propeller stops, watch how the pilot starts to sweat." If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to. Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there. You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.