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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Mephisto who wrote (3645)	10/27/1997 5:54:00 AM
From: Jay Bilotta	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

In order to celebrate Colorado's "early" ski season, allow me to share the following: A SKIER'S DICTIONARY ALP: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S.mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?" AVALANCHE: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse. BINDINGS: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury. BONES: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident. CROSS-COUNTRY SKIING: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-traveling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn't skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other. CROSS-COUNTRY SOMETHING-OR-OTHER: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift. EXERCISES: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes: Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs. Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet. GLOVES: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape. GRAVITY: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia. INERTIA: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills. Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe. When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, a lawyer will immediately appear. PREJUMP: Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans. SHIN: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins. SKI!: A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" - which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill. SKIER: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them. STANCE: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Why?" THOR: The Scandinavian god of aches and pains. TRAVERSE: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed. TREE: The other method.

To: Mephisto who wrote (3645)	10/27/1997 2:46:00 PM
From: Fred McCutcheon	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62558

When Freeus gives us the recipe, we can use Microsoft's cooking instructions. INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: <\mstv.dinn.//08.5min50%heat// Then enter: <ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will recognize the MS TV Dinner, configure itself, and cook the dinner automatically. If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat, and cook the dinner precisely. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway. Fred McCutcheon Hiroshima 45 Chernobyl 86 Wndows 95

To: Mephisto who wrote (3645)	10/28/1997 11:26:00 PM
From: freeus	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62558

Hi all, what a crazy two days on Wall STreet. Next time that happens I vow to have money to buy my favorite stocks cheap. (But not if it happens this week, I'm still fully invested.Cant get out at these prices only in!!!) The Cake Kahlua Cake 1 pkg. yellow pudding in the cake mix 4 eggs, lightly beaten 1/2 cup coffee, or cold water with a Tablespoon instant dissolved 1/2 cup vegetable oil 1/2 cup vodka 1/4 cup kahlua 1/2 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips 1/2 cup chopped walnuts. Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Grease and flour bundt pan. Mix all ingredients except chips and nuts. Beat with mixer two minutes. Stir in choc chips and nuts. Bake 45-50 minutes. Cool and invert on plate. Glaze 1/4 cup butter 1/2 cup sugar 2 Tablespoons water Boil 5 minutes, stirring constantly. Remove from heat, add 1/4 cup vodka and 1/4 cup kahlua. prick holes all over top of cake and drizzle the glaze into the holes and all over the top and sides. Enjoy! I apologize for having a cake mix as a base. I rarely use cake mixes, and thought of adjusting this to a home made carrot cake. I may try that and let you know how it is. But the cake is so delicious I hesitate to change it. Freeus