The hospital patient, annoyed by the lack of attention he received after
returning to his hospital room from the intensive-care unit, exclaimed,
"I've
gone from I.C.U. to 'no see you'!"
=============================================================================
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley. "I was in that new
restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is
spotless, the floors are gleaming white. It's so sanitary the whole
place
shines." "Please," said the other roach, frowning. "Not while I'm
eating!"
=============================================================================
An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels
took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption
led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit, including a
tendency for it to eschew jumping but rather to embrace running around
like its step-siblings.
As the rabbit passed through puberty, however, it soon faced an
identity crisis (don't we all!). It went to its step-parents to discuss
the problem. It allowed as to how it felt different from its
step-siblings, was unsure of its place in the universe, and was generally
forlorn. Their response was,
"Don't scurry, be hoppy."
=============================================================================
There once was a 94 year old nun whose wornout body
began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey
three
times a day, to relax her tenseness. However, not to be lured into
worldly
pleasures, she huffily declined. But her mother superior knew the
elderly
sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three
times a day.
Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As the
several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked
if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom... "Oh, yes," she
replied.
"Never sell that cow!"
=============================================================================
THE BOSS'S BASIC RULES
Rule 1:
The Boss is always right!
Rule 2:
In the impossible hypothesis that a subordinate may be right,
becomes immediately operative.
Rule 3:
The boss does not sleep; he rests.
Rule 4:
The Boss is never late; he is delayed elsewhere.
Rule 5:
The Boss never leaves his work; his attention is
required elsewhere.
Rule 6:
The Boss never reads the paper in his office; he studies.
Rule 7:
The Boss is always chief, even in his bathing togs.
Rule 8:
Whomsoever may enter the boss's office with an idea of his own
must leave the office with the boss's ideas.
Rule 9:
If, in your lamentable ignorance, you fail to grasp the truth,
fear not; return to rule 1.
=============================================================================
A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the
auditorium went out.
He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As
soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again. He then said,
"Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: 'Many hands make light work.'"
=============================================================================
Cartoon:
Man stands in his doorway in full fishing gear. Man stands opposite in
business attire.
Man 2: I know you're in bed with the flu, John, but I need the key to
the
file cabinet.
=============================================================================
i just read about two people who were driving their car
around some town in New Jersey. They had a stick of dynamite
with them.
Well, one of them wondered what would happen if they lit the
dynamite and threw it out the windo at 3 am. So they lit it
up and tossed it.
Only the window was rolled up.
They were both taken to the hospital, where they underwent
surgery.
I think they're recovering, but they have been disinvited
to the next Mensa meeting...
=============================================================================
Man relieves himself on dog,sparks panic
******************************************
Rio De Janeiro, Brazil - A Rio neighbourhood went to the dogs and echoed
with the sound of gunfire after a man and a terrier got into a dispute
over
a call of nature.
The toilet shootout developed when a beer-filled Brazillian student went
to
relieve himself against a tree, Brazilian news agency Estado reported.
The student mistakenly urinated on a pit bull terrier that was watering
the
same vegetation and as a result ended up brawling with the dog's owner,
Estado said.
When the student's friends chased the owner and his dog to a service
station, security guards, thinking a robbery was in progress, fired shots
into the air, bringing police rushing to the scene.
After a brief spell behind bars, however, the two men were reported to
have
made up -- over a beer.
=============================================================================
There was a kid who excelled at school in all subects except math. In
desperation his agnostic parents sent him to a Catholic parochial school
to
see if the nuns could straighten him out.
The kid immediately buckled down. Every night he went to his room, closed
the door, and studied his math. When report cards came out he had A's in
everything and an A+ in math.
When his parents asked him what made the difference, he replied, "I knew
they meant business the first time I walked into the school. Right inside
the front door they've got a big statue of a guy nailed to a plus sign."
=============================================================================
Marketing Buzz Words Translated:
* NEW - Different color from previous design
* ALL NEW - Parts not interchangable with previous
design
* EXCLUSIVE - Imported product
* UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition
* DESIGNED SIMPLICITY - Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone
* FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments
* ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand
it
* IT'S HERE AT LAST! - Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming
* FIELD-TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment
* HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit
* DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had big argument with distributor
* YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one that works
* REVOLUTIONARY - It's different from our competitiors
* BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a way to sell it
* FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it
does
* DISTINCTIVE - A different shape and color than the others
* MAINTENANCE-FREE - Impossible to fix
* RE-DESIGNED - Previous faults corrected, we hope..
* HAND-CRAFTED - Assembly machines operated without gloves
on
* PERFORMANCE PROVEN - Will operate through the warranty period
* MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours
* ALL SOLID-STATE - Heavy as Bill Clinton with Roseanne on his
lap!
* BROADCAST QUALITY - Gives a picture and produces noise
* HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it
* SMPTE BUS COMPATABILE - When completed, will be shipped by
Greyhound
* NEW GENERATION - Old design failed, mabey this one will work
* MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS - We got a good deal at a government auction
* CUSTOMER SERVICE
ACROSS THE COUNTRY - You can return it from most airports
* UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE - Nothing we ever had before worked THIS
way
* BUILT TO
PRECISION TOLERANCES - We finally got it to fit together
* SATISFACTION GUARANTEED - Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check
* MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED - Does things we can't explain
* AEROSPACE TECHNOLOGY - One of our techs was laid off by Boeing
=============================================================================
So, Paddy & Murphy are walking through this wood, when they see a sign
saying 'tree fellers wanted'
Paddy turns to murphy, says 'Ah, 'Tis a shame there's only two of us!'
=============================================================================
Moishe had started in the second-hand trade but was now one of the
richest businessmen in London. As his Rolls Royce stopped in front of the
Ritz one night an old school chum, who had fallen on hard times, was
waiting for him.
"Hey Moishe, remember me?"
"Eddie Rozenbloom, of course I do. haven't seen you in years. How's
business?"
"Moishe," says Eddie, "I've hit a bad patch. Infact I was wondering if
you could let me have ten pounds for a bed."
"Sure Eddie. Bring it round in the morning!"
=============================================================================
Did you hear about the prawn that went to a disco and pulled a muscle?
=============================================================================
GEORGE: What instructions did Noah give his sons about fishing off the
ark?
BILL: I don't know.
GEORGE: Go easy on the bait, boys. I only have two worms.
=============================================================================
The difference between politics and baseball is that in baseball when you
get
caught stealing, you're out.
=============================================================================
Talking to an American lady during a lengthy delay a little while ago
ME: Have you been on holiday?
AL: Yeah.
ME: What did you think of England?
AL: I loved it, but why are your traffic signals so noisy?
ME: ???
AL: Well, they go beep beep beep.
ME: Oh, that's so that blind people know when to cross.
AL: Oh reeally?? In the States we don't let 'em drive.
=============================================================================
She used to be married to a trapeze artist, but she caught him in the
act........
=============================================================================
Three Strings wanted to drink some beer so they went to Mr. Rope's
carry-out.
The first String says, "I'll show you how to but beer," and goes
in.
"I'd like a six-pack of beer, please."
Mr. Rope says, "You're one of those Strings. We don't serve your
kind
here. Get out of here!"
So the second String says, "Watch me," and goes in. In his deepest
voice, he says, "I'd like a six-pack of beer, please."
Mr. Rope says, "You're another one of those Strings. Get out of
here!"
The third String says, "I'll show you how it's done." He curls
himself
into a clove-hitch, unravels his head, goes into the carry-out, and says,
"I'd like a six-pack of beer, please."
Mr. Rope asks, "Aren't you one of those Strings?"
He says, "I'm a FRAYED KNOT!"
=============================================================================
So Paddy and Murphy are in a wild west bar trying to scrounge a pint off
the bartender. They've been at it for about an hour when in walks this
guy with a head under his arm. The bartender jumps up and gives the guy a
sack of gold. Paddy and Murphy are way confused. The bartender explains.
"I
hate the Indians ya' see!" he says "I hates 'em so much I'll give a sack
of gold to anyone who brings me an Indian's head..."
So off Paddy and Murphy go, equipped with rifle, saw, hammer etc.
After a while they find a lone Indian, and they shoot him off a cliff and
down into a ravine. Down go Paddy and Murphy, after him. At the bottom
Paddy starts cutting off the Indian's head while Murphy stands watch.
After a couple of minute Murphy taps Paddy on the shoulder, says "Paddy,
I think you ought to look at this." Paddy ignores him... "No, Paddy, I'm
serious, you really ought to take a look!!"
Paddy lops off the Indian's head and looks up where Murphy's pointing. On
either side of the ravine there's like, a million Indians, war paint and
the lot. Paddy looks at Murphy with a glint in his eye and says "Well,
I'll be,
mate! We're gonna be millionaires!"
=============================================================================
The Number You Have Reached.....
Hello, you have reached the office of the New York Board of Rabbis.
Our Rabbi is ready to answer any of your questions.
If you are Orthodox, press 6, 1, 3.
If you are Conservative, press 1 or 2.
If you are Reform, press any button you like.
If you are Reconstructionist, press all the buttons.
If you are Lubavitch, please wait a moment for the Moshiach to answer.
(Beep)
Hello, you have reached the Orthodox Rabbi.
The answer to your question is that it is absolutely forbidden by the
Torah. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8.
(Beep)
Hello, you have reached the Conservative Rabbi.
The answer to your question is that we have ruled that either answer
is acceptable to some of us and neither answer is acceptable to all
of us. We hope that this has been helpful.
If you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8.
(Beep)
Hello, you have reached the Reform Rabbi.
The answer to your question is: If you want to, sure! Why not? Who are
we to say?
However, if you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8.
(Beep)
Hello, you have reached the Reconstructionist Rabbi.
The answer to your question presumes that there is an answer. We have not
decided that issue yet. However, my role is to empower you to answer your
own question. To answer your own question now, please hang up....if you
are still there.
(Click)
=============================================================================
Two crayfish were in the restaurant's aquarium. It seemed this would be
their last night together, so the male crayfish whispered sweet nothings
in her ear.
She said, "Okay, but will you still respect me in the mornay?"
=============================================================================
*A Chrysanthemum by any other name would be easier to spell...........
=============================================================================
I don't want to say she was fat, but she had more chins than the
Singapore phone book...............
========================================================================== |
