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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: violetta martinez who wrote (4107)	12/10/1997 2:17:00 PM
From: Shawn M. Downey	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

More Beatles stuff... > > ELEANOR RIGBY > > Eleanor Rigby > Sits at the keyboard > And waits for a line on the screen > Lives in a dream > Waits for a signal > Finding some code > That will make the machine do some more. > What is it for? > > All the lonely users, where do they all come from? > All the lonely users, why does it take so long? > > Guru MacKenzie > Typing the lines of a program that no one will run; > Isn't it fun? > > Look at him working, > Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile; > It takes a while... > > All the lonely users, where do they all come from? > All the lonely users, why does it take so long? > > Eleanor Rigby > Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work; > Feels like a jerk. > > Guru MacKenzie > Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code; > Nothing will load. > > All the lonely users, where do they all come from? > All the lonely users, why does it take so long? > > ================================= > > UNIX MAN (sung to NOWHERE MAN) > > He's a real UNIX Man > Sitting in his UNIX LAN > Making all his UNIX plans > For nobody. > > Knows the blocksize from du(1) > Cares not where /dev/null goes to > Isn't he a bit like you > And me ? > > UNIX Man, please listen(2) > My lpd(8) is missin' > UNIX Man > The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command. > > He's as wise as he can be > Uses lex and yacc and C > UNIX Man, can you help me At all? > > UNIX Man, don't worry > Test with time(1), don't hurry > UNIX Man > The new kernel boots, just like you had planned. > > He's a real UNIX Man > Sitting in his UNIX LAN > Making all his UNIX plans For nobody ... > Making all his UNIX plans For nobody. > > ================================= > > WRITE IN C (sung to LET IT BE) > > When I find my code in tons of trouble, > Friends and colleagues come to me, > Speaking words of wisdom: > "Write in C." > > As the deadline fast approaches, > And bugs are all that I can see, > Somewhere, someone whispers: > "Write in C." > > Write in C, Write in C, > Write in C, oh, Write in C. > LOGO's dead and buried, > Write in C. > > I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, > For science it worked flawlessly. > Try using it for graphics] > Write in C. > > If you've just spent nearly 30 hours, > Debugging some assembly, > Soon you will be glad to > Write in C. > > Write in C, Write in C, > Write in C, yeah, Write in C. > BASIC's not the answer. > Write in C. > > Write in C, Write in C > Write in C, oh, Write in C. > Pascal won't quite cut it. > Write in C. > > ================================= > > SOMETHING > > Something in the way it fails, > Defies the algorithm's logic. > Something in the way it coredumps... > I don't want to leave it now > I'll fix this problem somehow > > Somewhere in the memory I know, > A pointer's got to be corrupted. > Stepping in the debugger will show me... > I don't want to leave it now > I'm too close to leave it now > > You're asking me can this code go? > I don't know, I don't know... > What sequence causes it to blow? > I don't know, I don't know... > > Something in the initializing code? > And all I have to do is think of it] > Something in the listing will show me... > I don't want to leave it now > I'll fix this tonight I vow] > > Write in C, Write in C > Write in C, oh, Write in C. > Pascal won'

To: violetta martinez who wrote (4107)	12/12/1997 3:01:00 PM
From: Anne Wilson	Read Replies (5) \| Respond to of 62558

WORDS FROM WOMEN................. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. - Erica Jong I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. - Rita Rudner I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. - Roseanne My husband and I are either going to buy a dog, or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet, or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. - Susie Loucks This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" - Judy Tenuta He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. - Carol Leifer I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to. - Erma Bombeck If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. - Sue Grafton I'm not going to vacuum, 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. - Dolly Parton I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? - Wendy Liebman I think - therefore I'm single. - Lizz Winstead "Any girl can be glamourous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." - Hedy Lamarr "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." - Elayne Boosler "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." - Gilda Radner "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." - Maryon Pearson "Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." - Bella Abzug "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." - Margaret Thatcher "If I were going to convert to any religion, I would probably choose Catholicism, because it, at least, has female saints, and the Virgin Mary." - Margaret Atwood "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." - Gloria Steinem "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." - Gloria Steinem Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door, and just visit now and then." - Katharine Hepburn "I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at home, which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog, which growls every morning, a parrot, which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night." - Marie Corelli "Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." - Baroness Edith Summerskill "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" - Linda Ellerbee "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor