Silicon Investor (SI) -- The First Internet Community

STOCKTALK

We've detected that you're using an ad content blocking browser plug-in or feature. Ads provide a critical source of revenue to the continued operation of Silicon Investor. We ask that you disable ad blocking while on Silicon Investor in the best interests of our community. If you are not using an ad blocker but are still receiving this message, make sure your browser's tracking protection is set to the 'standard' level.

Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Anne Wilson who wrote (4129)	12/12/1997 3:50:00 PM
From: Jay Bilotta	Respond to of 62551

The Twelve Days of Christmas - BUDGET CUTS In the spirit of restructuring, the North Pole has been asked by CEO S. Claus to look at operating in a more efficient and competitive manner. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: 1. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop originally forecast. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance. 2. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost-effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore terminated. 3. The three French hens will remain intact. We don't want to disturb the delicate political situations in Quebec or France. 4. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call-waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. 5. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one deteriorating commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appears to be in order. 6. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by Personnel will assure Management that from now on every goose will be fully productive. 7. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement. 8. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-wordprocessing. 9. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Early retirement packages will be offered. 10. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work former Members of Parliament. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed Members of Parliament. 11. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms to purchase or refurbish will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and their asscociated expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will improve. 12. Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if the seven-dwarf work force can be reduced. Merry Christmas!

To: Anne Wilson who wrote (4129)	12/13/1997 1:25:00 PM
From: Michael C. Woodward	Respond to of 62551

Good one liners. I knew there where ladies on this thread. I am a little disappointed in the poor taste in some of the jokes. But, overall, this is about the only fun that I have had on SI since those two miserable days in October.

To: Anne Wilson who wrote (4129)	12/13/1997 1:28:00 PM
From: Michael C. Woodward	Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 62551

My God, you sound like my wife and ex-wife. Good one liners. I am a little disappointed in the crassness of some of the jokes on this thread. But, overall, they are pretty good. This is the only enjoyment that I have had on SI since those two miserable trading days in late October.

To: Anne Wilson who wrote (4129)	12/13/1997 2:46:00 PM
From: CJ	Respond to of 62551

ANNE & RICK - TY, LOL.... Anne: Thanks much - great quotes! The guys on this thread should now realize that OUR 50% of the population knows how to laugh at itself! [.....kinda gives us the right to laugh @ D'Boys, too. We all do live in the same 'sphere!] Rick: TY - The X-Files addicts are gonna love it! Keep smilin ' - after the 'bath yesterday, we all need SOMETHING! CJ

To: Anne Wilson who wrote (4129)	12/13/1997 6:17:00 PM
From: Pami	Read Replies (4) \| Respond to of 62551

Anne! Too funny! Thanks. Here's one from my own back yard: OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES! The first graders were now in second grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown-up since they were no longer in first grade. She told them to use grown-up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother." Use the grown-up word. The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train." That's the grown-up word. Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit." -Pam