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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: halfscot who wrote (4213)	12/19/1997 10:27:00 PM
From: george wood	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62558

Sung to the tune of "Twelve Days of Christmas" (Note: I'm leaving out the first 11 verses but you get the drift......) For the high-tech holidays my true love gave to me: Twelve gigs a-storing, Eleven e-mails waiting, Ten newsgroup listings, Nine files saving, Eight colors scanning, Seven pagers buzzing, Six printers humming, Five Web TVs! Four on-line games, Three laptops, Two fax machines, And a cell phone with airtime for free.

To: halfscot who wrote (4213)	12/20/1997 1:21:00 PM
From: GROUND ZERO™	Respond to of 62558

This woman goes to a lawyer and tells him she wants a divorce. The attorney asks, "What grounds do you have?" She says, "Oh, we have three acres." The lawyer asks, "Madam, I mean, does he beat you up?" She says, "Oh, no, I usually get up at 6:30 and he usually sleeps until 7:00." The lawyer is getting dizzy, he then asks, "Please, madam, do you have a grudge?" The lady says, "Oh, no, we have a carport." By now, the poor attorney is at his wit's end and is pulling his hair out. He finally asks the lady, "Tell me, why do you want a divorce?" The lady says, "Oh, he just cannot keep an intelligent conversation." GZ

To: halfscot who wrote (4213)	12/22/1997 4:38:00 PM
From: SJS	Respond to of 62558

Retiring? What a way to go... _________________________________ So...ole Charlie was retiring after 30 wonderful years in the Postal service. On his last run on his route, he thought it would be nice to go door to door and say one last good-bye. As he made his rounds, Charlie knocked on one particuliar door and a beautiful blonde lady greeted him. She said that she had heard that today was his last day, and asks if he would like to come in and have some breakfast. "Oh NO! I couldn't do THAT! It's strictly against policy!" he exclaimed. "So? What are they going to do, fire you?" she said. Charlie laughed (realizing today was his last day anyway), and came in. He was led into the dining room where the most elaborate breakfast he had ever seen was layed out on the table. "Sit down and help yourself to anything you want!" she smiled. While Charlie sat down to the feast of his life, she ran upstairs. She returned dressed only in a sexy black negligee just as Charlie was pushing himself away from the table. "You want to go upstairs for some ....uh...fun?" she purred, rubbing against him. "OH NO! I COULDN'T DO THAT!" Charlie exclaimed, "I mean, you gave me a fantastic breakfast and all, but I really must go!" "Why, what are they going to do? Fire you?" she pouted. Charlie thought about this, and being his last day and all, he thought "What the hell", and escorted the blonde upstairs. After MUCH furious lovemaking lasting several hours, Charlie and the blonde staggered sweating and exhausted down the stairs, Charlie hurriedly trying to button his shirt and pants. Charlie thanked the blonde and was just ready to leave when, the blonde said "Oh, I almost forgot!" She ran over to her purse and handed Charlie a dollar bill. "OH NO! I CAN'T TAKE ANY MONEY FROM YOU!" exclaimed Charlie, "I mean, the breakfast, uh...you know...upstairs and all, I just can't take money from you, too!" "Go ahead, take it.." she said, "it was my husband's idea anyway". "YOUR HUSBANDS???!!!???" stammered Charlie. "Sure, just this morning I asked my husband what we should get the postman for his last day, and he said, 'F**k him, give him a dollar!'" Then she added, "Breakfast was MY idea."