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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Chip Anderson who wrote (4699)	2/18/1998 9:26:00 AM
From: S K	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

MEDICAL TECHNOLOGY ------------------ >One day, Pete complained to his friend Woody, "Man! My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go see a doctor." Woody said, "Don't do that! "There's a computer at the corner drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it and it only cost 10 bucks." > >Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with his urine sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started to flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: > >YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW. >SOAK YOUR ARM IN WARM WATER. >AVOID HEAVY LABOR. >IT WILL BE BETTER IN TWO WEEKS. > >That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, Pete began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. > >He went back to the drug store, located the computer. Giggling like a giddy teenager, he poured in the sample and deposited 10 bucks. The machine again made the usual noises and printed out the following anaylsis: > >YOUR TAP WATER IS TOO HARD. >GET A WATER SOFTENER. >YOUR DOG HAS RINGWORMS. >BATHE HIM WITH ANTI-FUNGAL SHAMPOO. >YOUR DAUGHTER IS USING COCAINE. >PUT HER IN A REHABILITATION CLINIC. >YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT WITH TWIN GIRLS. THEY AREN'T YOURS. >GET A LAWYER. >AND IF YOU DON'T STOP JERKING OFF, >YOUR TENNIS ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER.

To: Chip Anderson who wrote (4699)	2/18/1998 4:27:00 PM
From: Chip Anderson	Read Replies (4) \| Respond to of 62549

REJECTED STATE MOTTOS: Vermont: Yep New York: You want a ##$%##! motto! I got yer ##$%##! motto right here! Washington: Help! We're overrun by nerds and slackers! Wisconsin: Come cut our cheese Oregon: Because spotted owls taste better roasted California: As seen on TV... Virginia: Where Elizabeth Taylor blimped out New Hampshire: Go away and leave us alone South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We didn't actually surrender... North Dakota: How much duller can you get? Alabama: Literasy Ain't Everthing Arkansas: At Least We're not Mississippi Illinois: Gateway to Iowa Kentucky: Tobacco is a Vegetable Minnesota: For Sale Mississippi: Ignrint -- and Proud of it Montana: Land of the Big Sky, Unabomer, and Very Little Else New Jersey: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets North Carolina: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!

To: Chip Anderson who wrote (4699)	2/19/1998 1:13:00 AM
From: bob	Respond to of 62549

There were some backwoods ignorant hillbilles living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and "whip Clarence butt". He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and "whip Clarence butt?" He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLARENCE 8 FT 3 IN"

To: Chip Anderson who wrote (4699)	2/21/1998 10:24:00 PM
From: Goalie	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62549

Ole man, Jock, is on his deathbed. He turns to his pal sitting by his side. "Seamus, me la,d would you do me a bit of a favor when I die?" "Well, sure thing, Jock. What would it be?" "When I go, would pour a bottle of whiskey on my grave, me lad?" "Not at all," replied Seamus. "But, Jock, would ye mind if I ran it through my kidneys, first?" ====================== Al Gore is feeling pretty good about his future these days... He's only one orgasm away from the Presidency.