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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: ken whited who wrote (5111)	3/26/1998 1:58:00 PM
From: emidio	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

A doctor started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there. "But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked. "Well", he said, "After you've had the baby, just send me a post card and write 'sauerkraut' on the back". Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his office. "Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today", she explained. "I don't understand what it means!" "Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his post card which said: "SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT; TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!"

To: ken whited who wrote (5111)	3/26/1998 2:00:00 PM
From: emidio	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29." "I am actually 47.? This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

To: ken whited who wrote (5111)	3/26/1998 2:05:00 PM
From: emidio	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62549

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!." There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. As he stands above the still body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces,Gods voice booms out again: "Okay, now you're screwed."

To: ken whited who wrote (5111)	3/26/1998 2:05:00 PM
From: Garfield	Respond to of 62549

This doesn't appear to be the right forum for jokes, but what the hell... Hope this has never been posted.. New Element Discovered At UofL President's Office The heaviest element know to science was recently discovered by consultants to the Undergraduate Division of the School of Business Administration, in the Office of the President, UofL. The element, tentatively named ADMINISTRATIUM, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, ADMINISTRATIUM is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the consultants/discoverers, a minute amount of ADMINISTRATIUM caused one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than one second. ADMINISTRATIUM has a normal half life of approximately 3 years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that ADMINISTRATIUM occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and with extreme concentrations at universities, and also can actually be found in the newest best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that ADMINISTRATIUM is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how ADMINISTRATIUM can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage but results to date are not promising.