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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Bob Bryenton who wrote (5312)	4/17/1998 4:55:00 PM
From: Miles Rhyne Hoffman, CFA	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62549

Let's see how smart you are.... WHAT AM I???? THIS USEFUL TOOL, COMMONLY FOUND IN THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG. THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES. IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION. IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS. WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMENATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS. >> > WHAT AM I??????? AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN.......... >> > >> > >> > .....TOOTHBRUSH......... >> > >> > what were you thinking? >> > >> > You PERVERT!

To: Bob Bryenton who wrote (5312)	4/23/1998 3:11:00 AM
From: bob	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Abraham is an old Jewish guy who is a yarn merchant. He lives next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town. One day the anti-Semite calls up Abraham and says, "Hey Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow." Abe says, "OK". The next morning the Anti-Semite is awakened at 7am by the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see a row trucks lined up one after the other, dumping truckful after truckful of orange yarn in his front yard. Soon his yard is a 5-foot deep sea of orange yarn. Abe then presents a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite. The guy starts yelling and screaming at Abe. "What is this, Jew? This is not what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What do you have to say for yourself?" Straightfaced, Abe replies "I'm very careful when I deal with people like you, that's why I got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 2% discount; but the tip of my penis is in Poland." **************************************************************** One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?" "Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy." "That's a big decision! Have you talked it over with your family?" "Yeah,... and they're in favor 15 to 2."