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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: John Messbauer who wrote (5397)	4/27/1998 11:42:00 PM
From: SIer formerly known as Joe B.	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62549

>> 100 REASONS IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY! >> (No offense intended or implied) >> >> 1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. >> >> 2) Movie nudity is virtually always female. >> >> 3) You know stuff about tanks. >> >> 4) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase. >> >> 5) Monday Night Football. >> >> 6) You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. >> >> 7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. >> >> 8) You can open all your own jars. >> >> 9) Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight. >> >> 10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. >> >> 11) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at >> every shot of somebody crying. >> >> 12) Your butt is never a factor in job interviews. >> >> 13) All your orgasms are real. >> >> 14) A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex. >> >> 15) Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into >> the boards). >> >> 16) You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you >> go. >> >> 17) You understand why Stripes is funny. >> >> 18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group. >> >> 19) Your last name stays put. >> >> 20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade. >> >> 21) When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that >> everyone secretly hates you. >> >> 22) You can kill your own food. >> >> 23) The garage is all yours. >> >> 24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. >> >> 25) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. >> >> 26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow. >> >> 27) You never have to clean a toilet. >> >> 28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes. >> >> 29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation. >> >> 30) Wedding plans take care of themselves. >> >> 31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still >> be your friend. >> >> 32) your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. >> >> 33) The National College Cheerleading Championship. >> >> 34) You don't have to shave below your neck. >> >> 35) None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry. >> >> 36) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night. >> >> 37) If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices. >> >> 38) You can write your name in the snow. >> >> 39) You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest. >> >> 40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original color. >> >> 41) Chocolate is just another snack. >> >> 42) You can be president. (In this lifetime.) >> >> 43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. >> >> 44) Flowers fix everything. >> >> 45) You never have to worry about other people's feelings. >> >> 46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. >> >> 47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park. >> >> 48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough. >> >> 49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store. >> >> 50) You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry >> about what people will think. >> >> 51) Foreplay is optional. >> >> 52) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. >> >> 53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room. >> >> 54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. >> >> 55) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's >> coming by. >> >> 56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. >> >> 57) Car mechanics tell you the truth. >> >> 58) You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new haircut. >> >> 59) You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without >> ever thinking He must be mad at me. >> >> 60) The world is your urinal. >> >> 61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's >> about to leave you. >> >> 62) You get to jump up and slap stuff. >> >> 63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. >> >> 64) One mood, all the time >> >> 65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look >> like him. >> >> 66) You never have to drive on to another gas station because this >> one's just too skeevy. >> >> 67) you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. >> >> 68) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing. >> >> 69) Same work...more pay! >> >> 70) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. >> >> 71) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch >> adjustment. >> >> 72) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental:$75. >> >> 73) You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back. >> >> 74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's >> population in 15 tries, at least in theory. >> >> 75) You don't mooch off others' desserts. >> >> 76) If you retain water, it's in a canteen. >> >> 77) The remote control is yours and yours alone. >> >> 78) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. >> >> 79) ESPN's SportsCenter. >> >> 80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little >> gift. >> >> 81) Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers. >> >> 82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. >> >> 83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. >> >> 84) You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom. >> >> 85) If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell >> your other friends you've changed. >> >> 86) Someday you'll be a dirty old man. >> >> 87) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it." >> >> 88) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just >> might become lifelong buddies. >> >> 89) Princess Di's death was just another obituary. >> >> 90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. >> >> 91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in >> the mood. >> >> 92) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny. >> >> 93) If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a >> hammer or throw it across the room. >> >> 94) New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet. >> >> 95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. >> >> 96) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and >> anniversaries. >> >> 97) Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them. >> >> 98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice >> anything different?" >> >> 99) Baywatch >> >> 100) There's always a game on somewhere.

To: John Messbauer who wrote (5397)	4/30/1998 10:39:00 AM
From: bob	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

This is a list of the ways that professors grade their final exams: Dept Of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. Dept Of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind. Dept Of History: All students get the same grade they got last year. Dept Of Religion: Grade is determined by God. Dept Of Philosophy: What is a grade? English Dept.: Your final exam will be scored by totaling the weight of all the books you read this semester: 40+ pounds - A 30 pounds - B 20 pounds - C 10 pounds - D <10 pounds - F Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A. Dept Of Mathematics: Grades are variable. Dept. Of Physics: Grades are relative. but... All theoretical physics is really mathematics. See Above. Dept. Of Chemistry: All theoretical chemistry is really physics. See Above. Dept. Of Biology: All theoretical biology is really chemistry. See Above. Dept Of Logic: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A. Dept. Of Marxist Studies: The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles. Therefore, everyone will now get the same grade! Dept. Of Economics: All of your grades, as a collection, will reach the level where your marginal product (MP) of labor for each individual grade is equal. Dept. Of Operations & Logistics Management: Grades will be posted at 12:00 Noon. NOT 11:59 -- NOT 12:01 Dept Of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade, but... YOUR grade is an object in a class of its own. Music Department: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

To: John Messbauer who wrote (5397)	5/1/1998 12:11:00 PM
From: bob	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Pancho and Cisco were traveling through the desert one day and Cisco notices a very bad smell in the air. Cisco says to Pancho: " Pancho. I smell someting terrible. Deed you sheet jour pants?" Pancho replied: "No, Cisco. I deed no sheet my pants." As they rode on Cisco just couldn't shake the smell that was permeating from Poncho. So he asked once again: " Pancho. I smell someting really bad and I tink eet ees you. Deed you sheet jour pants?" "No, Cisco. I deed no sheet my pants." A little while later Cisco is on the verge of vomiting so once more he asks Pancho: "Pancho, I am getting real seek and I know you sheet jour pants. Get off of dat horse and pull jour pants down. I want to see for myself'! Pancho gets off of his horse and pulls his pants down exposing a large messy, smelly load. Cisco, disgusted and gagging from what he sees, asks: "Ay Poncho, I taught ju say you no sheet you pants"? Pancho, looking very confused looked at Cisco and said: "Ay, Cisco, I taught you meen today"!