A Bunch of New Jokes
A woman goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer."
The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?"
To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"
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Little Known Quotes From the Bible
Save me an Easter egg Peter, I'll be back in 3 days
No you're not going to turn water into wine. Buy your own like anybody else
I don't care who the hell you are; no one walks on water while I'm fishing
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Two pedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacey knickers on the ground. The first one picks them up, smells them and goes "Aahhh... A seven year old girl". The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes "No, no ... Definitely an eight year old girl!"
The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. "An eight year old!", "No, a seven year old!", "Definitely an eight year old!" and so on.
The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first paedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men an goes:
"Definitely an eight year old girl!......... but not from my parish!"
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The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the
Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge
and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother
enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's
too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do
you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says,
"Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes
upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and
opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he
starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end
table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top
of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get
that kid some ice cream!"
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A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a
confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man
says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get
the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in
this one either."
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A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining
and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass
eye fell into his hand.
He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young
woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a
drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards
she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you
like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a
marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every
man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye.
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A woman was complaining to her best friend over brunch. "Every time my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell ! "
"That doesn't sound all that bad to me," said her friend. "As a matter of
fact it would kind of turn me on. "
"It would me too", said the first woman, "if it didn't wake me up!"
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Bill and Mark are out walking in the country one fine summer evening.
Bill : "Hey Mark, you see that grove of trees over there ? Well that's where I had sex for the first time .... we made love while her mother stood beside and watched over us !"
Mark, being a bit shy, was a little shocked to hear this : "Are you serious ? Did her mother say anything ?"
Bill: "Yeah she said Baaaaaaaaaah!"
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The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women
has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-
endowed women.
It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"- it rounds them up and points
them in the right direction.
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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.
She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Japanese men says, "We are all berry hungry."
The waitress says, "So how is whacking off in this restaurant going to help that situation?"
One of the other businessmen replies, "Because menu say,
FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED."
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Two friends were discussing having sex with their wives.
The first man says "Me and my wife sometimes do it doggy style. How
about you?"
The second man replies replies "Well, not exactly. We do it trick-doggy
style."
"Is that kinky then?"
"Well, not really. You see I start it by sitting up like a dog and
begging for sex. Then my wife rolls over and plays dead!"
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An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said,
"Friend, for your age you're in the best shape I've seen." The old feller
replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good,
clean, spiritual life." The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?"
The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night." The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?"
"Yep," the old man repeated, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "He what?" she cried. "He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!" |
