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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: larscot who wrote (5790)	6/10/1998 12:40:00 PM
From: Urlman	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62547

Should Bill Gates use Viagra? 1. Open a new document in Word 2. Type "Unable to follow directions" (without the quotes) 3. HigHlight the entire sentence you just typed 4. Click Tools; Language; Thesaurus (or hit shift-F7 to open the thesaurus) 5. After thesaurus screen pops up click down 14 lines Enjoy, Urlman

To: larscot who wrote (5790)	6/12/1998 10:21:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62547

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a Massive crush on Brigette Bardot and ignores her completely. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattoo artist to have the letters 'BB' Tattooed on her breasts. The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests she have the tattoo on her butt instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a "B" on each buttock. Whenher husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turningaround, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork. "What do you think?" the wife says. "Uh, who the hell is Bob?" the husband replies. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One night, Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. "How lovely, dear," she said, "what's the occasion?" "I want to make love to you." he said simply. "Not tonight, dear. I have a headache." The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her. "I'm awfully tired, honey." said his wife. "Not tonight." Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife's answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife. "How adorable, Jerry!" she exclaimed. "But what are they for?" "These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily. "No," croaks the feeble old man.... "But it's startin' to twitch." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was a first grade teacher. I had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read I gave the children a work sheet to do. I thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it there. I heard a little girl say very softly "Jesus Christ!". I leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school." She looked at me, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago." The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before. Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago-or any time since that I can remember!" The woman says, "Forty years go that fence wasn't electrified!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in. They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling. After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so who was playing the yellow ball ?"