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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: JADA who wrote (6111)	7/11/1998 8:43:00 AM
From: Jack Colton	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62549

In Excel 97 (I presume only on Windows, someone with a Mac and the latest Excel should try it) Open a new spreadsheet Hit F5 (go to function) and type X97:L97 in the "reference" box, then tab so the box closes and you end up on cell M97 Now hold down the "Ctrl" and "Shift" keys while clicking once on the "chart wizard" icon on the menu bar (the blue-yellow-red bar chart icon). You will be wisked away from the humdrum spreadsheet into a 3D virtual world. Steer with the Mouse, accel / decelerate with the left and right mouse buttons respectively. Look for a monolith with the programmer's sigs. Hit Esc or Ctrl+Shift+Esc to go back to the regularly scheduled Microsoft environment...

To: JADA who wrote (6111)	7/11/1998 4:47:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Respond to of 62549

Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy ?" The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue." The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern." "Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An Irish man went to his first American baseball game. As the first batter made a hit, fans jumped up yelling, "RUN! RUN!" The Irish man jumped up as well yelling, "Run, laddie! Run laddie!" The next batter got up and made his hit. The fans again cheered, "RUN! RUN!" The Irish man jumped up yelling "Run laddie! Run laddie!" The third batter got up got ball 1...ball 2...ball 3...ball 4.... The umpire yelled "Take your base!" The batter jogged to the base. The Irish man jumped up an yelled "Run laddie! Run laddie!" Another fan looked at him and said, "He does not need to run, he has 4 balls!" The Irish man's jaw dropped, and turned and said, "Walk with pride, lad! Walk with pride!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A local preacher was paying a visit to one of his church members on a Friday night, and heard a loud party as he approached the house. He knocked on the door and the owner answered. Behind him, he saw a circle of naked men, with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling each man's package, and guessing who it was. The preacher, seeing this, said, "I'm sorry. I don't think I'd fit in here right now." "Nonsense," the man replied. "Your name's been called three times already!"

To: JADA who wrote (6111)	7/11/1998 4:59:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Respond to of 62549

NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer will no longer be tolerated. However, we do realize the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resources Department have compiled a list of code phrase replacements so the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risking offence to our more serious co-workers. OLD PHRASE NEW PHRASE No Fucking Way I'm fairly sure that is not feasible You're Fucking kidding Really, is that true? Tell someone who gives a fuck Have you run that past your manager? No cunt told me I haven't been involved in that project I don't have the fucking time Perhaps I can work late Who fucking cares Are you sure that's a problem? Eat shit and die You Don't say Eat shit and die, mother fucker You Don't say, sir! Kiss my arse So you'd like me to help you? He's a fucking prick He's someone insensitive You haven't got a fucking clue You could use some more training This place is fucked We are a little disorganized today What sort of fuckwit are you? You're new here aren't you? Fuck off, shithead Well, there you go You're a fucking wanker You're my boss, I respect you Fuck off I'll look into it and get back to you Fuck off, dickhead I no longer require your assistance How the fuck did you get that to work? Well Done!!! You're a fucking loser You were unfortunate there.