A lawyer who works in Texas gets a call about an emergency which
requires him to immediately fly out of the state for a short period
of time. He has no time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife
he is going. The maid answers the call, but is quite hesitant about
putting his wife on the phone.
After quite a bit of interrogation, she admits that the wife is
upstairs
in bed with the mailman ! The lawyer is furious, and wants to rush
right home, but of course there is this emergency he must take care
of.
So instead, he tells the maid to go get the gun from the desk drawer
and kill both his wife and the mailman. She protests ! The lawyer
explains that under Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife
and
her lover.
Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it. She puts
down the phone, and soon the lawyer hears the sound of two gun
shots, a scream, some loud thumps, and finally, two splashes.
The maid comes back to the phone.
The lawyer asks, "Did you kill them?"
"Yes," she replies.
The lawyer questions her again, "What did you do with the bodies?"
"I threw them in the pool," she responds.
There is a brief pause from the lawyer. He asks her, "Did you say the
pool
?
"Yes! I threw them in the pool!" she says.
"Uh, is this 555-8234?"
***********************
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple meet and are talking about all
sorts
of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes
up.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap
partners for the night and experience one another.
The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the
Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member--about half an inch
long
and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says the woman.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With
each slap of his forehead, his member grows
until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still
pretty narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull his
member
grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting
to
the Earth woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims as they fell into bed and make mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways. As they walk along, the Earth male asks, "Well,
was it
any good?"
"I hate to say it," she says, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was OK," he replies, "but a little weird. The whole time she was
slapping
my forehead and pulling my ears."
********************
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The following exchange takes place....
The man says "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80.
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail
light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your
seat
belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk
to you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."
-----------------------------------------------
Religious Parrot
A preacher is buying a parrot. "Are you sure it doesn't swear?" asked
the preacher.
"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.
"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he
recites the Lord's Prayer, and when you pull on the left
he recites the 23rd Psalm."
"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both
strings?"
"I fall off my fuckin' perch, you goddammed shit-for-brains!" screeched
the parrot.
-----------------------------------
The Nuns and Heaven's Gate
Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to
make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their
last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of
one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on
into
heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I,
you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on
into
heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is
trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her
position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I
want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."
----------------------------------------------
The Reverend Fuzz
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little
Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main
Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation
sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend
thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation
should do, so he walked through the open door of the
bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a
member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you
home?"
"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and
forth. The reverend realized that she had had too
much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he
did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the
floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up
lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her
waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy,
we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't
understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far you may as well finish."
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