LOL!!! You are one warped individual!
They tell me this a true letter:
An actual letter sent to Miller Brewing Company and their response:
> >
> >
> >
> > Miller Brewing Company
> > Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201
> >
> > Dear Sir or Madam,
> >
> > I have been a drinker of Miller beers for many years (actually, ever
> > since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun
> > Control Inc. Back in the mid 80's). Initially, my beer of choice was
> > Lite, but some time in mid-1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD
> > smuggled up from Panama. Now, for nearly six years, I have been a
> > faithful drinker of MGD. For these past years, I have come to expect
> > certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that
> > gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew. But
> > wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed
> > colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold!
> >
> > Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced
> > myself to reserve judgment on the new can design. Gradually, I grew to
> > appreciate the new label. That was until about May of this year. That
> > was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didn't like the new
> > design. Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in
> > the following observations:
> >
> > 1. Your cans are made of aluminum.
> > 2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.
> > 3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may
> > be exposed to sunlight.
> > 4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of
> > the can.
> > 5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by
> > conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer).
> > 6. Warm beer sucks.
> >
> > This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer.
> > However,
> > this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted
> > then damn can. . . black!!!
> >
> > Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can
> > and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this process
> > may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in
> > Oklahoma
> > where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a
> > problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are
> > having to put up with.
> >
> > Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had
> > firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted
> > extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed
> > below.
> >
> > The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my
> > pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers
> > from
> > a party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38 (and
> > then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time.) These
> > beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals. The
> > subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling
> > interval their impressions of the different beers.
> >
> > The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the
> > point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the
> > Suck-point) was determined. The average ambient temperature for the
> > trials was 95 degrees F.
> >
> >
> >
> > Beer Type ... Average Suck-point (minutes)
> >
> > Miller Lite (white can) 6.2
> > Bud (white can) 5.5
> > Bud Lite (silver can) 5.2
> > Ice House (blue and silver can) 4.4
> > Coors Lite (silver can) 4.1
> > Miller Genuine Draft (black can) 2.8
> > Coors (gold can) 0.1
> >
> > It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the
> > average suck point, except for Coors which was pretty much determined
> > to
> > suck at any point. It is to be hoped that you will consider
> > re-designing your MGD cans.
> >
> > All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the
> > shade will thank you.
> >
> > Sincerely,
> > Bradley Lee Haven't you ever heard of a Koozie, get back in you cage
> > Beer-drinker
> >
> >
> >
> > The Miller response appears below. They have had a lot of fun with
> > this
> > guy's letter. Enjoy
> >
> >
> >
> > Dear Bradley Lee,
> >
> > Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as
> > it
> > relates to premature warming of the contents. Like you, we at Miller
> > Beer take beer drinking very seriously. To that end, we have taken
> > your
> > letter and subsequent experiment under serious consideration. Outlined
> > below are our findings and solution to your problem. May we add that
> > we
> > have had similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from
> > the
> > Southern United States.
> >
> > First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends to
> > agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about any
> > temperature. Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can
> > to
> > create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing
> > did some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the
> > can.
> >
> > You will be pleased to know we have fired that idiot and he is now
> > reeking havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design staff
> > working in cahoots with the marketing idiot was also down-sized.
> >
> > However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been
> > even
> > a bigger mistake. So, we took some other actions. From our market
> > research, we found a difference between Northern beer drinker and
> > Southern beer drinkers. Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink
> > slower
> > than beer drinkers in the North. We are still researching why that is.
> > Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our intentions to have someone
> > take
> > more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one of our beers. We pride ourselves in
> > creating fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of
> > sissy, slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston. However, it is
> > good to know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as long as 6
> > minutes. However, may we suggest in the future you try consuming at
> > least two in that time frame. From your letter, we had our design
> > staff
> > work 'round the clock to come up with a solution that would help not
> > just MGD but all our fine Miller products. We hope you have recently
> > noticed our solution to your problem. We found that the hole in the
> > top
> > of the can was not big enough for quick consumption. So, we have now
> > introduced the new "Wide Mouth" cans. We hope this will solve all your
> > problems.
> >
> > Might I also suggest that if you want to get the beer out of the can
> > even faster, you can poke a hole on the side near the bottom, hold
> > your
> > finger over it, open the can, tip it to your mouth and then pull your
> > finger off the hole. This is a common way to drink beer at parties and
> > impress your friends. This technique is known as "shot-gunning". You
> > should like the name.
> >
> > Again, thank you for your letter and bringing to our attention that
> > there might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5minutes to
> > drink
> > our beers. Let me assure you that I am having our advertising
> > department
> > work on campaign to solve this problem, too.
> >
> > Sincerely,
> > Tom B. Miller
> > Public Relations
> > Miller Brewing Co.
> > |
