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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: John Messbauer who wrote (7247)	10/12/1998 9:01:00 AM
From: SIer formerly known as Joe B.	Respond to of 62543

Virus Alert Ellen Degeneres virus........Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC Monica Lewinsky virus........Sucks all the memory out of your computer Titanic virus................Makes your whole computer go down Disney virus.................Everything in the computer goes Goofy Mike Tyson virus.............Quits after one byte Prozac virus.................Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care Lorena Bobbit virus..........Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy Woody Allen virus............Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card Joey Buttafuoco virus........Only attacks minor files Spice Girl virus.............Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus.....Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them Oprah Winfrey virus..........Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB AT&T virus...................Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting MCI virus................... Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus Arnold Schwarzenegger virus..Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. Viagra virus.................Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your zip drive.

To: John Messbauer who wrote (7247)	10/12/1998 9:13:00 AM
From: SIer formerly known as Joe B.	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62543

"A Friendly Affair" A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone, and her jealous lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you." ************************************************************ There were two guys, and one day they found a house of ill respute. The first guy goes in. He comes out a few minutes later and says with a sneer, "My wife is better!" Then the second guy goes in, comes out and says, "You know what? Your wife IS better." **************************************************** The Power of Suggestion A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. "It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate." So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. "Crap!" exclaimed the pastor. It took them a week to clean up the church.

To: John Messbauer who wrote (7247)	10/12/1998 10:03:00 AM
From: SIer formerly known as Joe B.	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62543

Americans With No Abilities Act WASHINGTON, DC-On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans. The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses. "Roughly 50 percent of Americans-through no fault of their own-do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. "Their lives are a futile hamster-wheel existence of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of non-abled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality." Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for non-abled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees. The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire non-abled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented hirees. Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the non-abled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?" "As a non-abled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers, who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other untalented, inessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation."