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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Zencone who wrote (7567)	10/30/1998 9:43:00 PM
From: Chris Stovin	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62552

Common things you see in yourself or others when their call options or large block of highly margined stock start to move downward rapidly 1. Nausea 2. Restlessness and sleeplessness culminating to regular all nighters moving back and forth between the bed and the computer checking the internet for news 3. Irritable reactions to others who are enjoying themselves 4. A sense that the body is craving some sort of drug 5. Drugs 6. Development of a phobia to answering phones..(bill collectors syndrome) 7. Trance like condition..constant daydreaming of good old days gone by 8. Hopelessness culminating in paralysis...(usually occurs when the $20 - $50,000 of original investment is worth somewhere in the neighborhood of two or three hundred dollars). 9. Unkept and tired looking appearance and Loss of any interest or focus in your regular job 10. Smaller penis Common things you see in yourself or others when their call options or large block of highly margined stock start to move upward rapidly 1. Constant Euphoric mood...verging on annoying braggart 2. Constant feeling everyone is watching and admiring you and trying to be your friend 3. Constant stops at new car dealers and expensive electronic gadget stores 4. Constant contact with broker demanding latest stock/option values 5. Regular Vacation planning conversations with peers and spouse 6. Constant need to bring up stock market into every conversation even at inopportune times such as funerals 7. Find yourself leaving much larger tips and feeling the waitress is watching you the whole time you leave and thinking...oooh..who is that guy...Donald Trump 8. Flashy name brand dresser and loss of any interest or focus in your regular job 9. Restlessness and sleeplessness culminating to regular all nighters moving back and forth between the bed and the computer checking the internet for news 10. Huge Penis I wrote this in the morning and when my wife read it she exclaimed, Honey, I didn't realize we were losing so much money!!

To: Zencone who wrote (7567)	10/31/1998 11:24:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Respond to of 62552

A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, "All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!" A man at the front of the bar stands up and says "Hey! I resent that!" So the first man asks, "Why are you a lawyer?" "NO! I'm an asshole!" ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body? They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a Doctor!" Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a Professor!" Little Johnny stood up and said,"My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!" The teacher couldn't believe what she had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening. When she told him what Little Johnny had said, he told her, "Actually,.... I'm an attorney,but how I'm I supposed to explain that to a seven year old???" ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? * He gets taller. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the Truck Driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought "Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I can't run down this lawyer" and at the last second the Truck Driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything. He turned to the priest and said "Sorry Father, I just missed that Lawyer at the side of the road" And the priest said "Don't worry son, I got him with my door" ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?

To: Zencone who wrote (7567)	10/31/1998 11:36:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Respond to of 62552

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The elderly gentleman replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ It's 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west. The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Wyatt Earp sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Wyatt and said, "Mr. Earp, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?" Wyatt put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you." The boy stepped back and Mr Earp said, "You look good. You're wearing black, you've got two ivory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look likea gunslinger. But what's more important, son, is: Can you shoot?" The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve. Wyatt said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?" Before Earp could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked. Wyatt smiled and looked up and the boy and said, "That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you." "What's that?" the boy asked. "I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep in the lard." Puzzled the young gunslinger asked why he should do that. Earp put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Well son, when Doctor Holliday gets done playing the piano over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours and. shove up your ass"!