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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Laurens who wrote (7767)	11/16/1998 1:09:00 PM
From: SIer formerly known as Joe B.	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62552

Notable Quotes dailynews.yahoo.com They really said it -- notable quotes in the news: ''Voluptuous used to be good. Voluptuous women were sexy. Now they're perceived as fat ... Breasts are obviously still a good idea.'' --Author TOM WOLFE. ''I got up on the right side of the bed and I was nice to everybody. I thought I was going to die. I kept saying hello, have a nice day. It was a nightmare but I was awake. So I went back to bed and slept on some bricks and I woke up feeling much better.'' --OSCAR THE GROUCH of ''Sesame Street'' fame in an interview with the New York Daily News. ''If I were Clinton, I would have gone in front of the American people and said, 'Yes, I'm having an affair with this woman. My wife is still behind me so it's really none of your business and if this is not OK with you, fine, get yourself a new president.''' --Moviemaker WOODY ALLEN on the White House sex scandal. ''I am very serious about running for president but Jane doesn't want me to do it.'' --Media mogul TED TURNER, as quoted in the New Yorker. ''Wherever Ted goes, I go.'' --His wife, JANE FONDA. ================================================================ Monday November 16 10:49 AM ET Inept Drug Smugglers Get Long Sentences dailynews.yahoo.com LONDON (Reuters) - An international drugs smuggler and two of his cohorts whose truck got stuck in a London tunnel during a police surveillance operation were sentenced to long prison sentences Monday. The three were arrested by Customs and Excise officers in London's Blackwall tunnel in February after they failed to notice their truck was too tall to make it through the passage. They were found with 80 kilograms of heroin with a street value of six million pounds ($10.03 million). Customs officers had been watching as the driver of a container truck met up with two men in a blue passenger car before the vehicles drove in convoy into the tunnel. After the truck got stuck, police sealed both ends of the tunnel and made the arrests. The incident caused large parts of London's heavily-congested road network to grind to a halt. Hamid Shamsollahi, an Amsterdam-based Iranian businessman, was sentenced to 18 years by Southwark Crown Court. Turkish Cypriot Karkut Eris received 14 years and Mustafa Karinca, a Turk, was given nine years. ''This is a major criminal organization and a significant amount of heroin,'' a Customs and Excise spokesman said. ''By taking out that organization it means the amount of heroin that would have hit the streets in the months to come will be significantly reduced.'' =================================================================

To: Laurens who wrote (7767)	11/16/1998 1:42:00 PM
From: Calvin Scott	Respond to of 62552

Top ten things men SHOULDN'T say out loud in Victoria's Secret: 10. Does this come in children's sizes? 9. No thanks. Just Sniffing. 8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind. 7. Mom will love this. 6. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable. 5. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here. 4. Will you model this for me??? 3. The Miracle What?? This is better than world peace!! 2. 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!! And the number one thing that a man should never, never say out loud in Victoria's Secret: 1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that.

To: Laurens who wrote (7767)	11/16/1998 1:50:00 PM
From: Calvin Scott	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62552

The downside of getting old. Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. So she took him to a nursing home. At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Slowly, the man starting leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair. About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?" "I don't know." he said. "They won't let me fart."