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To: bucko who wrote (7774)	11/16/1998 4:55:00 PM
From: mph	Respond to of 62552

For those who feel the need to get in shape: Health Club Saga(as told to me by a friend) For an anniversary present my wife gave me a week of private >> lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from >> when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was >> a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations >> with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics >> instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased >> with how enthusiastic I was to get started. >> >> DAY 1. >> >> They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress >> this week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but >> worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for >> me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling >> white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five >> minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so >> high, but I think just standing next to her added about ten points. >> Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I >> did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from >> holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to >> be GREAT! >> >> DAY 2. >> >> Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. >> Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the >> air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a >> little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her >> smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT! >> >> DAY 3. >> >> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on >> the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain >> that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay >> as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagon. >> Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was >> bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I >> did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate >> an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya >> told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine >> anything worse. >> >> >> DAY 4. >> >> Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I >> can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just >> to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, >> Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the >> men's room until she sent Igor looking for me. As punishment she >> made me try the rowing machine. It sank. >> >> DAY 5. >> >> I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other >> human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my >> body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it >> would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you >> Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the >> floor, don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility >> for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The >> tread mill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like >> crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music >> teacher, or social studies? >> >> DAY 6. >> >> Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. >> I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven >> straight hours of the weather channel. >> >> DAY 7. >> >> Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my >> wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth >> drilling at the dentist. Sorry, gotta go, a half-gallon of Butter >> Pecan is calling me. >>___________________________________________________________________ > mph

To: bucko who wrote (7774)	11/16/1998 4:56:00 PM
From: mph	Read Replies (6) \| Respond to of 62552

Here's one I received from a teacher buddy: Let's face it--English is a crazy language! There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices. Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why don't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps, you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive in parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposities? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? How you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly, or peccable? And there are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique legacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are viable, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?! ________________ mph ______________________________________________________