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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: james h. snyder who wrote (7849)	11/19/1998 4:35:00 PM
From: danjo	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62552

Sorry if some of these have been posted!! A SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER WAS DISCUSSING THE TEN COMMANDMENTS WITH HER FIVE AND SIX YEAR OLDS. AFTER EXPLAINING THE COMMANDMENT TO "HONOR THY FATHER AND THY MOTHER" SHE ASKED "IS THERE A COMMANDMENT THAT TEACHES US HOW TO TREAT OUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS?" WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT ONE LITTLE BOY (THE OLDEST OF A FAIMLY OF SEVEN) ANSWERED "THOU SHALL NOT KILL" ======================================================================== How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered."Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot." ======================================================================== Rejected Hallmark Greeting Cards: 1. You wrecked your car and don't remember why. Could have been..... That case of bud dry! 2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I stopped to look....I noticed your cat. 3. Your computer is dead. It once was a first-rate. Don't you regret buying......Windows 98? 4. Your dog is dead. So sorry to hear He was chasing cars...And caught a semi in the rear. 5. Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be. Well don't worry about her....She moved in with me! ======================================================================== Monicia's Plastic surgery The Globe reported today that Monica Lewinsky recently went to a plastic surgeon. Stung by all the jokes about being overweight, she was thinking about having her love handles removed. However, she decided not to go through with it after the doctor told her that removing both ears would cause complete and total deafness. =========================================================== I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at > the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset > because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly > reassured > her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring > her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end > of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter > some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she > better > bring her daughter in to the ER right away. > > ------------------------------------------------------------------- > > > Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field steal a life > raft > from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the > plant and home. When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish > River, they were quite surprised > by a Coast Guard helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is > activated > when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there. > > ------------------------------------------------------------------- > > > I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As > an employee > of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g., > "I have > a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." > One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with > the (I kid you not) > following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs > assistance." > > ------------------------------------------------------------------- > A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. > But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found > the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road > with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." > A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's > accomplice, > another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading > "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change. > > ------------------------------------------------------------------- > > > A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. > He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. > In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense > pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to > himself. > He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. > As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing > him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." > "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet." ===========================================================