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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: John Messbauer who wrote (7942)	12/1/1998 9:39:00 PM
From: Pat W.	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62567

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke (that's the only place they could smoke at the nursing home), when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 2: 'What's that?' Lady 1: 'A condom.' Lady 2: 'Where'd you get it?' Lady 1: 'You can get them at any drugstore.' The next day, Lady 2 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s), but politely asks what brand she prefers. "Doesn't matter," she replies, "as long as it fits a Camel".

To: John Messbauer who wrote (7942)	12/2/1998 9:26:00 AM
From: SIer formerly known as Joe B.	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62567

THE CONCISE SHOW BIZ DICTIONARY COMMON PHRASES: You can trust me = You must be new It needs some polishing = Change everything It shows promise = It stinks rotten It needs some fine tuning = Change everything I'd like some input = I want total control It needs some honing = Change everything Call me back next week = Stay out of my life It needs some tightening = Change everything Try and punch it up = I have no idea what I want It needs some streamlining = Change everything You'll never work in this town again = I have no power whatsoever VERBS: To schmooze = befriend scum To pitch = grovel shamelessly To brainstorm = feign preparedness To research = procrastinate indefinitely To network = spread disinformation To collaborate = argue incessantly To freelance = collect unemployment NOUNS: Agent = frustrated lawyer Lawyer = frustrated producer Producer = frustrated writer Writer = frustrated director Director = frustrated actor Actor = frustrated human COMPOUND WORDS: High concept = low brow Production value = gore Entry level = pays nothing Highly qualified = knows the producer Network approved = has made them money FINANCIAL TERMS: Net = something that apparently doesn't exist Gross = Michael Eisner's salary Back-end = you, if you think you'll ever see it Residuals = braces for the kids Deferral = don't hold your breath Points = see "net" or "back-end"