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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Fred McCutcheon who wrote (8056)	12/11/1998 11:47:00 AM
From: MrsNose	Respond to of 62549

Why Santa Claus is really a woman.... BECAUSE A MAN COULDN'T MEET THE DEMANDS OF THE JOB... I think Santa Claus is a woman.... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: - Men can't pack a bag. - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. - Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves. - Men don't answer their mail. - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described...even in jest...as anything remotely resembling a "Bowl full of jelly." - Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. - Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men... Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith, and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

To: Fred McCutcheon who wrote (8056)	12/11/1998 11:48:00 AM
From: MrsNose	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Good one!!! I actually emailed it to a friend in Santa Fe. Margie

To: Fred McCutcheon who wrote (8056)	12/11/1998 12:08:00 PM
From: X Y Zebra	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Pancho, a Mexican tourist, visiting NYC during the winter, goes for a walk.... As he goes, the wind picks up a bit making the walk a little colder than he expected, suddenly he gets the urge to pee... After realizing that the only way to get relief is by peeing by a side alley, so he starts.... Soon, a local joins him and starts peeing too.... the New Yorker says casually to Pancho: "Pretty Chili isn't it?" Somehow surprised (and embarrassed), Pancho looks at the man and responds: Muchas Gracias, Señor.... -------------- For the "I don't get it, challenged", the term Chile (in Mexican Slang), is used to referred to one's Penis. ------------------------ Knowing the above... Back in the early 70's when Presidente Salvador Allende, (from Chile), visited Mexico.... It is reported, than upon his departure, he was so impressed and moved by the Mexican hospitality, that he told his Mexican counterpart, (meaning well, and unaware of the meaning of his word to a Mexican), President Allende said: Mexico, for the Chileans, and.... CHILE for the Mexicans.... The Mexican President, (highly puzzled, and suspicious), simply smiled politely...