A Long List of Jokes-Enjoy
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Lee, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on i75. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Lee, "it's not just one car... It's hundreds of them!"
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One fall day, a guy is out raking leaves and he notices a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse is a second hearse, and behind that is a man walking sadly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
The guy's intrigued, so he goes up to the man following the second hearse and he asks him, "Who's in that first hearse?" Man says, "My wife." Guy says, "I'm sorry. What happened to her?" Man says, "My dog bit her and she died."
Guy then asks who's in the second hearse. Man says, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Guy says, "Can I borrow your dog?" Man says, "Get in line."
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A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the
Ramada Hotel, where the American Bar Association was
holding its Annual Conventions. More than a hundred lawyers
were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that
unless their demands were met, they would release one
lawyer every hour.
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During a lull in the rehearsal the groom and best man, two long time
friends and playboys, began to compare conquests.
The groom, looking out over the crowd, said to his best man, "You know
Bill, except for my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I've made
love to every woman in this room."
To which his friend responded, "Well then, between the two of us we've
had them all!"
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The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope.
One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says
something to the bum and then walks right by the local man.
He can't believe it, then it hits him. The pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people the poor and and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bums clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the pope to stop and talk to him.
Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"
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Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -
'Take a clean dish and....'"
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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
"You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of Cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper.
So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"
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I was scared at first. It was very wide, and very long, and it angled straight up.
I decided I had to try it once. I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it. It felt weird at first. Then I got used to it.
I went up and down, and up and down on it. I was really loving it.
Now I ride on escalators all the time.
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A guy from the deep south moves to New York and he's amazed by the indoor
plumbing. He's so intrigued by the way the toilets work that he goes to the
Sewage Disposal Plant to check it out. One of the inspectors shows him to
the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements.
As the piles of shit parade by them, the inspector says, "You can tell by
inspection who the assorted feces belong to. See that one? I'm sure it's
the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds?"
"And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman or a Japanese... see
the fish eyes and the rice in it?"
"And this next one is surely from a queer."
The hick askes, "How can you tell it was from a queer?"
The inspector answers, "Well see: It's dented on one end!"
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A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair
of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay
the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own
alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and
catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching
herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young
woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees
a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim and
shoots, killing the alligator and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to
the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The
shopkeeper watches in amazement.
Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated,
shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!"
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This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the
doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says "Hi, I'm
Freddy. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she
ready?"
The man, mildly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing
there says "Hi, I'm Jim. I'm here to see Kim. We're gonna go for a swim. Can
I come in?"
The guy, now perplexed, says "Yes." and the two take off.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid
standing there says "Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. We're gonna go to
the show. Can she go?"
The man, now kind of annoyed says "Yes." the two depart.
Sure enough, a few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A
kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Chuck.."
The father shot him.
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One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday !"
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An elderly couple went to watch a contest for the strongest bull. After the contest they went to the 3rd prize bull's owner, wanting to know what his secret was. The woman asked, "How do you make your bull so strong?"
The owner said, "You have to make sure the bull makes love once a week."
The woman turned to her husband and said, "See!" The old man was displeased but said nothing.
They then went to the 2nd prize bull's owner and the old woman asked the
same question, to which the owner replied, "You must to make sure your bull makes love 2 or 3 times a week." Again the woman turned to her husband and said, "See! See!" The old man was annoyed but remained silent.
They then went to the 1st prize bull's owner and again the old woman asked the same question. The reply was, "You must to make sure your bull makes love at least once every day." The woman turned to her husband and said
,"See! See! See!"
This time the old man got angry and asked the owner, "But does your bull
always make love to the same cow?" The owner Replied, " No, no. Many many cows."
The old man quickly turned to the old woman and said, "See! See! See! See!
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A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce. He is taking all of her background information and asks her, "Do you have grounds for a divorce?"
To which she replies, "Well, we have three acres."
"No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?" asks the attorney.
"No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00," she responds.
Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, "Lady, tell me, do you
have a grudge?"
Looking very confident she states, "No, we have a carport."
At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, "Look, Lady.
Why the hell do you want a divorce?"
"Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!"
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God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need
a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"
St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? I
t's nice and warm there this time of the year."
God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know
how that hurts my back."
"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No way!" God
about screams. "It's way too hot for me there!"
"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going
Down to Earth for your vacation?"
Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went
There, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL
talking About it!"
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