To: Ilaine who wrote (16378 ) 1/10/1999 9:51:00 PM From: Gauguin Read Replies (1) | Respond to of 71178
Butt seriously, folks. Coby, when you're right, you're right. I can't figure out a way to cleverly or correctly say this, but I am pleased and satisfied, by this thinking and talking that goes on here. People unafraid to offer their opinions and help; it's like a family. Like brothers or sisters. I told you I couldn't say it right. If I had had more of this when I was younger, I would be perfect. More perfect. I had a chance to think about this jury situation night before last, riding through the country on the way to shopping, with MJ. It does scare me; I fear being trapped. I would serve no one and no purpose if I flipped out. Think this is unlikely? Think again, Batman. MJ tells me that Oregon's new system limits the time most people serve to three days or less. That is, frankly, crucial. She was recently called, and became frustrated by the beginning selection period; she feels it would be the worst part for me. Too slow; too hokey and informal. "Move along, Judge." "Pick it up, Fatboy." I worry about what would happen to my finances, duh, with me not here to shepherd them. I cannot pull my monies; they will not work for me. I cannot afford to let them miss their leveraged moments. That's tough shit; everyone has similar problems; but still, it's not the reason I would try to escape this. One of the things that helps me think more clearly is thinking of my absence forcing someone else into the position. When we don't see the person, it's easy to think they can afford it better. This is bad, you go to hell for that, unless you think of the other slacker-person as bad and God wants you to get em, and that He just goofed calling you first. I don't like passing judgement. It makes me cringe; literally. It's a sissy-butt thing. But, honest; I am most comfortable avoiding this judgement situation. I don't know if I can explain. Almost a belief system. If I were charged with a crime I committed; I would not go to trial. I wouldn't waste anyone's time. If I were innocent, I wouldn't know whether I would prefer a jury, with the shoe on the other side of the foot, or not, for perhaps the same judgement reasons. Suppose you had the Simpson jury, were innocent, and the idiots thought you were guilty? Yikes. So I don't demand anything from society I don't expect to be part of providing. And so I guess I have to go; I just don't know if I can. CAN is the word. It's a big word for me, even with the ethical compulsion of knowing I should, or being indifferent. Recently I thought I could do something. I found out I couldn't. The results weren't pretty. They outweighed the value. You have to know yourself, even when it is absurd who you are.