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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Bald Man from Mars who wrote (8362)	1/11/1999 12:58:00 PM
From: Chip Anderson	Respond to of 62549

Notable Sport's Quotes: ==================================== Basketball player Chris Washburn, commenting on his ability to drive to the basket, "Yeah, I can go to my right and my left. That's because I'm amphibious." ************************** "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh ************************ "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996 ************************ "You guys line up alphabetically by height." "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach ************************ Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school." ************************ Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." ************************ Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #%@# clothes." ************************ Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." ************************ Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro." ************************ Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." ************************ 1992 - Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." ************************ 1982 - Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." ************************ 1981 - Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." ************************ 1966 - Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" ************************ 1981 - Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis:"I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." ************************ 1991 - Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." ************************ 1986 - Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." ************************ 1991 - Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." ************************ 1996 - Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." ************************ 1991 - Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers: "He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that means we're not going to any more bowl games.'" ************************ 1986 - LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: "They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets." ************************ 1991 - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" ************************ 1991 - Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." ************************** 1987 - Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four Fs and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." =================== Chip coolhistory.com "Free Market and Sector charts and analysis"

To: Bald Man from Mars who wrote (8362)	1/11/1999 6:18:00 PM
From: Peter S. Maroulis	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62549

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment." Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So", he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?" "No", she replied excitedly... "But you should see the size of my cucumbers! ====================================================================== VIRGIN NEWLYWEDS:::: A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?" "Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "What do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"