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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Jack Colton who wrote (8538)	1/23/1999 12:10:00 AM
From: Jack Colton	Respond to of 62549

hese are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given out in honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America. ( "no va" means, of course, in spanish, "it doesn't go"). 1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?" 2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea." 3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." 4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick." 5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read. 6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine. 7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa). 8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese. 9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth." 10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate." 11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!" 12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish. jc marketing 504

To: Jack Colton who wrote (8538)	1/23/1999 12:17:00 AM
From: Jack Colton	Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 62549

This was forwarded by a friend in California. Some are downright hilarious, but a vast number are so-so. Still, a few good ones. jc Sayings that should be on bumper stickers or buttons: 1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up. 2. Make yourself at home... clean my kitchen. 3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? 4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. 5. Don't bother me... I'm living happily ever after. 6. Do I look like a frikking people person? 7. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 10. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time. 11. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 12. You! Off my planet! 13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You hoose. 14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control. 15. Bottomless pit of needs & wants. 16. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes. 17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way! 18. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. 19. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 20. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat. 21. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 23. God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him. 24. Let me show you how the guards used to do it. 25. And just how may I screw you over today? 26. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. 28. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil... 29. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. 30. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 31. Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth. 32. Allow me to introduce my selves. 33. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 34. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you." 35. Better living through denial. 36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 37. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. 38. Adult child of alien invaders. 39. Do they ever shut up on your planet? 40. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up. 41. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. 42. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. 43. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 44. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 45. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 46. Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards. 47. After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs? 48. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes? 49. Back off! You're standing in my aura. 50. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. 51. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too! 52. Adults are just kids who owe money. 53. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me. 54. How many times do I have to flush before you go away? 55. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? 56. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? 57. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me. 58. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor. 59. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 60. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2? 61. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you! 62. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong. 63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 64. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 65. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 66. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done. 67. A woman's favorite position is CEO. 68. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. 69. You look like shit. Is that the style now? 70. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth. 71. Earth is full. Go home. 72. Is it time for your medication or mine? 73. Does this condom make me look fat? 74. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me? 75. I plead contemporary insanity. 76. And which dwarf are you? 77. I refuse to star in your psychodrama. 78. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 79. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 80. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size. 81. Meandering to a different drummer. 82. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. 83. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?