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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Barney who wrote (1425)	2/16/1999 11:34:00 AM
From: Mad2	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2733

Bill's Rash While undressing for bed one night, Bill Clinton notices something like a red rash around his penis. Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!" and makes a point of getting to his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day. " Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know. What is it, and how do I get rid of it?" The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll try something else." Bill takes the pills for the week, but unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to his doctor and tells him the pills didn't help. So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it's notimproved. Bill takes the capsules for a week, and the damn red ring is still there. So he goes back to his doctor andasks, "What next?" The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. "Rub this on every day for a week, and let me know." Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news, doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?" The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover"

To: Barney who wrote (1425)	2/16/1999 12:30:00 PM
From: P.S.N.	Respond to of 2733

Iraqi,jokes 1. What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common? Nothing, yet. 2. Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? You only have to teach them to take off. 3. How do you play Iraqi bingo? B-52..F-16..A-6..B-2..F-14..A-10 4. What is Iraq's national bird? Duck 5. Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom ships/boats? So they can see their Air Force. 6. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common? They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from! 7. What is the best Iraqi job? Foreign Ambassador. 8. How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They can't turn them on anyway. 9. How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting and at cost of $900,000. 10. How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb? We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time. 11. What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common? They both have Kurds in the Whey. 12. What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile? Aeroflot has killed more people. 13. How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone? Both may look our their windows and see Rubble. PSN

To: Barney who wrote (1425)	2/17/1999 5:17:00 PM
From: P.S.N.	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2733

THE END ALL TO BE ALL LIST OF BLONDE JOKES -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer? A: The joystick is wet. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles. Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer." Q: What do Blondes say after sex? A1: Thanks Guys. A2: Are you boys all in the same band? A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers? Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it the looser it gets. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common? A: They both wriggle when you eat them. Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ? A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too. Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree? A: Wave Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots. Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what? Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass? A: A brain tumor. Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down? A: Two brunettes. Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..." Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute? A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally. Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? A: She realized she gave her last blowjob. Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs? A: Because that's what they train for all their lives. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? A: So her male would get delivered to the right box. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK". Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper? A: So she could lip read. Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. Q: Why did God create brunettes? A: Neither could the blondes. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off. Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill? A: Because it kept falling out. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms. Q: Why does it work? A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?" Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office? A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps! Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip? A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay). Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....? A: A blond doing cartwheels. Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp? A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort. Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver? A: She missed the Earth! Q: Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant? A: She blew it both times! Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common? A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one. Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige? A: Lipstick on the cucumbers! Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common? A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll? A: About 2 cans of hair spray Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants? A: Pick them up off the floor. Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A: The vegetable garden. Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag? A: One. Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon? A: Far-from-thinkin Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean? A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna. Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer? A: She slipped off and fell down the drain. Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina? A1: The Blonde! A2: The other guys waiting their turn. Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'? A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.' Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!" Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot. Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group? A: Air Supply. Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling? A: A blond electrician. Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A: So brunettes can remember them. Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ? A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good. Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? A: They keep breaking them with the hammers. Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? A: Perri-air Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck. Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head? A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it! Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station? A: The Air Pump! Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an F in sex. Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? A: She missed. Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers? A: They can't keep their calves together! Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A: After a dye job. Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ? A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?" Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light. Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car? A: Because she blows the horn! Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: Because everybody gets a turn. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks? A: Because she's been laid all over the country. Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A: She kept having affairs with men! Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10? A: She picks up her purse and goes home. Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard? A: Grade 4. Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 blondes. Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds? A: Because at 69 they blow a rod... Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator? A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it. Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter". Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman? A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub. Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine? A: They both drip when they're f**ked. Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry" A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry! Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning? A: It swells at night. Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?" A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!" Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces." Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex? A: Locking the car door. Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test? A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat. Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved. Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A blonde parade. Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold? A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car? A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe. PSN

To: Barney who wrote (1425)	2/17/1999 5:28:00 PM
From: P.S.N.	Respond to of 2733

YOU'RE A REDNECK IF.. Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time time call..." You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took Your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin. Your brother-in-law is your uncle AND your grandfather. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen. You ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin contest. You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law. You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'. You think the OJ Trial is a Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test. You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's. You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay. Your front porch collapses and four dogs git killed. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife. You no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader. That billboard that says, "SAY NO TO CRACK" reminds you to pull up your jeans. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. You go to your family reunion looking for a date. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. You've got more than three cousins named 'Bubba'. YOU'VE EVER COME HOME AND FOUND CRIME SCENE TAPE ACROSS YOUR FRONT PORCH. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." Your child's first words were "Attention K-Mart shoppers!" The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors You carried a fishing pole into Sea World. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels. Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed. You think safe sex is a padded headboard. You think subdivision is part of a math problem. You think there's nothin wrong with insest as long as you keep it in the family. You can get dog hair from out of your belly button. You have a bumper sticker that says, "MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH." You take a six-pack cooler to church. Your family tree has no forks. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture. You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures. You use a weedeater in your living room. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison. You have a rag for a gas cap. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it. The third grade teacher says little Bubba could be a mathematical genius because he's got thirteen fingers. Fifth grade was the best six years of your life. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack. One of your kids was born on a pool table. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. Mailpouch sends you Christmas cards. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. You have flowers planted in a hroom fixture in your front yard. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor. You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood". If you refer to the fifth grade as, "your senior year". Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them. Your 'huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor. It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it. You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray. Your pickup has a two-tone paint job -- primer red and primer gray. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado. The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school. Your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together. You're a lite beer drinker 'cause you start drinkin beer when it gets light. You think the stock market has fence around it. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater. You own a homemade fur coat. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath." You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. YOU REFER TO THE TIME YOU WON A FREE CASE OF MOTOR OIL AS "THE DAY MY SHIP CAME IN." Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction. You think Genitalia is an Italian airline. You think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs. Last year you hid yer kids' Easter eggs under cow pies. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People" . Your dog can't watch you eat without getting sick. You think the winter olympic sport of curling is part of the "Big Hair" competition. You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. You stare at an orange juice container because it says, "CONCENTRATE". YOUR IDEA OF HIGH-QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SIX-PACK AND A BUG-ZAPPER. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. Anyone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!". You couldn't learn to swim because your gene pool is too small. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial. On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat. Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos". You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool. You got Clapper devices controlling the appliances in your house. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. The KKK kicked you out for being a bigot. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell." Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot. You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup. You think the French Riviera is a foreign car. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. All of your four letter words are two syllables. Your honeymoon was in Little Rock. You do your serious Christmas shopping at the Flying J truck stop. You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida. The FBI surrounded your trailer park twice so far this year. You have the word "howdy" in your answering machine message. You wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park. You've painted a car with house paint. You're banned from the Little Rock Zoo because you disturb the monkeys. You ever named a child after a dog. You have more belt-buckles than pants. You removed the back seat from your car so all yer kids could fit in. You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner. PSN