Silicon Investor (SI) -- The First Internet Community

STOCKTALK

We've detected that you're using an ad content blocking browser plug-in or feature. Ads provide a critical source of revenue to the continued operation of Silicon Investor. We ask that you disable ad blocking while on Silicon Investor in the best interests of our community. If you are not using an ad blocker but are still receiving this message, make sure your browser's tracking protection is set to the 'standard' level.

Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Ian@SI who wrote (2039)	4/29/1999 12:56:00 AM
From: richard surckla	Respond to of 2733

For the hunters. John had a terrible, terrible toothache. He went to a dentist and was told that the tooth was so badly decayed that it would have to be pulled. John agreed and told the dentist to pull it. The dentist went to give him a pain shot and John said, "forget the pain shot. Just pull the tooth." The dentist said, "if tried to pull your tooth without pain medication the pain would be so unbearable." John said, "look... I've experienced pain TWICE in my life that was so bad... that pulling my tooth without pain medication would mean nothing, absolutely nothing." The dentist being taken back a few steps by this said, "Can I ask how you experienced such terrible pain twice?" John replied, "the first time I was hunting and had to take a shit out in the woods. As I squatted down next to a tree to shit, don't you know I shit right on top of a spring claw trap. That dam trap went off and clamped onto my dangling balls. The pain was horrific." The dentist was twisting in agony said, "Oh my god, how terrible, how painful." The dentist said, "But that was the first time you experienced such terrible pain. You said you experienced such terrible pain TWICE in your life. When was the second time?" John replied, "WHEN THE CHAIN RAN OUT!"

To: Ian@SI who wrote (2039)	4/29/1999 11:26:00 AM
From: The Philosopher	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2733

I only wish I could believe that were true. Hilarious none the less!

To: Ian@SI who wrote (2039)	4/30/1999 10:42:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse.". The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose; but I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse, they just don't like to say so. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?". We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.".

To: Ian@SI who wrote (2039)	4/30/1999 11:01:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: " What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to minister... a married man, experienced..for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply.. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge...A Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."

To: Ian@SI who wrote (2039)	4/30/1999 11:05:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

You Know You Work In the '90s When.... 20. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 19. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 18. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks. 17. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents. 16. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains. 15. You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Interoffice Mail painfully slow. 14. You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical. 13. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet. 12. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 11. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist anymore. 10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process. 9. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work. 8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as "deliverables." 7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living. 6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week. 5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases. 4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors. 3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans. 2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix. 1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

To: Ian@SI who wrote (2039)	4/30/1999 11:19:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2733

Gas Pains -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- "Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly. "Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas." A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly. "Oh, just a bit of gas," said Sister Ann, blushing a bit. On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little Fart!"