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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: pasteslikequicken who wrote (9780)	5/18/1999 12:07:00 AM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62549

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney wired the firm, "Justice prevailed." The senior partner replied, "Appeal immediately."

To: pasteslikequicken who wrote (9780)	5/18/1999 12:08:00 AM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62549

Q: What's the difference between baseball and law? A: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

To: pasteslikequicken who wrote (9780)	5/18/1999 12:09:00 AM
From: Don Pueblo	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Q: Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach? A: The cats keep covering them up with sand.

To: pasteslikequicken who wrote (9780)	5/18/1999 12:10:00 AM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62549

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? A: To practice.

To: pasteslikequicken who wrote (9780)	5/18/1999 12:11:00 AM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62549

Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? A: One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish.

To: pasteslikequicken who wrote (9780)	5/18/1999 12:12:00 AM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62549

A lion in the London zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a visitor turned to the keeper and said, "that's a docile old thing isn't it?" "No way," said the keeper, "its the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a lawyer into the cage and completely devoured him." "Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its arse?" "The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."

To: pasteslikequicken who wrote (9780)	5/18/1999 12:14:00 AM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62549

Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? A: You shoot the lawyer twice.

To: pasteslikequicken who wrote (9780)	5/18/1999 12:16:00 AM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62549

First lawyer: "You're an unmitigated liar." Second lawyer: "You're a lowdown cheat." Judge: "Now that the lawyers have identified themselves, let us proceed."

To: pasteslikequicken who wrote (9780)	5/18/1999 12:20:00 AM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62549

Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several months after the accident, he is suing my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. "He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

To: pasteslikequicken who wrote (9780)	5/18/1999 12:22:00 AM
From: Don Pueblo	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to deception. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

To: pasteslikequicken who wrote (9780)	5/18/1999 12:23:00 AM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62549

A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer. Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?" The mathematician answered immediately, "Four." The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one." Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"

To: pasteslikequicken who wrote (9780)	5/18/1999 12:24:00 AM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62549

"There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth." --Jean Giradoux

To: pasteslikequicken who wrote (9780)	5/18/1999 12:27:00 AM
From: Don Pueblo	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls and their children's souls must rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "Right. What's the catch?"

To: pasteslikequicken who wrote (9780)	5/18/1999 12:32:00 AM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62549

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A drummer.

To: pasteslikequicken who wrote (9780)	5/18/1999 12:33:00 AM
From: Don Pueblo	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando? Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

To: pasteslikequicken who wrote (9780)	5/18/1999 12:36:00 AM
From: Don Pueblo	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

How many rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

To: pasteslikequicken who wrote (9780)	5/18/1999 12:37:00 AM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62549

How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb? None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.