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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: E who wrote (12824)	12/13/1999 8:47:00 PM
From: E	Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 62549

I love this: members.xoom.com

To: E who wrote (12824)	12/19/1999 3:16:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his >attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and >went straight to the mail box. > >She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the >house. > >A little later she came out of her house again went >to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. >Angrily, back into the house she went. > >As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she >came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it >closed harder than ever. > >Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" >To which she replied, "There certainly is! "My stupid computer keeps >saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

To: E who wrote (12824)	12/19/1999 3:57:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost > and blamed it on the cost of living. > > Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. > > We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. > > The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting > something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. > > It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, > someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. > > Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor. > > You can't have everything, where would you put it? > > Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's > population. > > If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. > > Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway. > > The things that come to those that wait may be > the things left by those who got there first. > > Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. > Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day. > > Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. > > Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. > > As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. > > When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's > a moray! > > A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. > > It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. > > The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep. > > Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. > > I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. > > I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. > > When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of > 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. > > Light travels faster than sound. > This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. >

To: E who wrote (12824)	12/19/1999 4:03:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Kangaroo Alert! The following item comes from Australia's Defense Science and Technology Organization and wire reports: "The reuse of object-oriented code has caused tactical headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter training, programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and--in one case--herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might give away a helicopter's position). "The head of the Defense Science and Technology Organization's Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, the programmers simply reappropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement. "Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, hotshot Australian pilots buzzed the virtual kangaroos in low flight. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively--then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. Apparently, the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding. "Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to."

To: E who wrote (12824)	12/19/1999 4:14:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Introducing - White Trash Barbie. > >She's larger and meaner than them other prissy, >stuck-up, think-thur-better'n-you Barbies! Now every girl >can live the fantasy of ignorance and poverty with her special >trailer-park friend. > >Every White Trash Barbie comes complete with: >a) Two packs of Marlboro Lights for Barbie's smoking pleasure! >b) A six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer (It's on sale!) >to refresh Barbie during her busy day of bitching and watching TV. >c) Stylish, every occasion Spandex pants, halter top and sandals. > (Hot pants or blue jean cut-offs may be substituted on dolls shipped to > Alabama.) > >Waffle House uniform sold separately. > >Barbie comes with platinum blonde hair with black roots showing. > >Miracle-o'-procreation button! Press button on Barbie's back and she's >pregnant...again! > >Action bitch pull string! Barbie can say 11 phrases, including : > "I tol' jew #$%&@* kids to git the hell outta > my yard!", > "Git me anuther beer, baybee.", > "Whur's my #$%&@* cigarettes?", and more. > >Also Available: > >Barbie double-wide dream trailer. Mobile home fun complete with stained >carpet, broken steps, and TV set. Barbie's wormy pet cat, Rufus. Trailer >disassembles for use with the Tornado Action Playset. (Sold separately). > >Barbie dream car. 1982 Camaro in mix-n'- match colors and smokin' >chokin' exhaust,* and coat hanger radio antenna. >Holds two white Trash Barbies. (Sold separately). > > Smoke non-toxic unless breathed. > >Abusive boyfriend Ken with Asskickin' leg action and PimpSlap backhand. >With cowboy boots and MD 20/20 bottle. Curses, mumbles when string is >pulled. > >Married life Ken with beer-bustin' expanding waist. Molded to >recliner, with TV remote, beer, chips. Says > > "Shut up woman." and "Git me a beer." > > (*Waist cannot be reduced once expanded.)

To: E who wrote (12824)	12/19/1999 4:32:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62549

The following were actual answers to a 6th grade history test: 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. 3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. 4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. 5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. 6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the Java. 7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus." 8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. 9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah," 10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. 11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. 12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. 13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand," Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. 14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe that the assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. 15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large. 16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. 17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers. -------------------------------------------------------