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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Karen Lawrence who wrote (13675)	3/3/2000 1:14:00 PM
From: John Carragher	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62567

Judge: I know you, don't I? Defendant: Uh, yes. Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you? Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you? Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me. Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie. ================== >From a defendant representing himself... Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse? Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse. Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance. ====================== Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant? Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens. ==================== Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys? Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth. Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution. Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too. ===================== Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand... Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained while at work? Plaintiff: Dr. J. Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J? Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he was a good plaintiff's doctor. ========================= Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it. ====================== Lawyer: Tell us about the fight. Witness: I didn't see no fight. Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see. Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so The other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets. Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas? Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. ========================= Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer. Judge: And why is that? Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case. Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion? Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening. ================ Judge: Please identify yourself for the record. Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson. Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for? Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name. Not a damn thing. ======================= Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense? Defendant: Habitual thirstiness? ======================== Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court? Judge: Of course. Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do? Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail. Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch? Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking. Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.

To: Karen Lawrence who wrote (13675)	3/3/2000 2:01:00 PM
From: Didi	Respond to of 62567

... because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, and giving in to men. All of the men started clapping. Hmmm, interesting point to ponder, Karen. Thx bunches ;-). di

To: Karen Lawrence who wrote (13675)	3/5/2000 3:45:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62567

HOW TO ANNOY PEOPLE At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is Especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. Put your trashcan on your desk and label it "IN". Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., In the break room. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that". Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has Gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think". Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy". Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way. Don't use any punctuation. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. Ask people what sex they are. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go.' Sing along at the opera. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. Five days in advance tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. AnD tHe FiNaL WaY tO aNnOy PeOple: Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.