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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (13723)	3/8/2000 12:34:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62554

Something Got Lost in the Translation... ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR - Not to be used for the other use. ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE - Warning: keep out of children ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS - Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal? ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS - For indoor or outdoor use only. ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW - Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS - Instructions: open packet; eat nuts. ON BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE - Do not drive car or operate machinery ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING - Product will be hot after heating ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) - Warning: may cause drowsiness ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON - Do not Iron clothes on body ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS - Warning: contains nuts ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT - Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (13723)	3/8/2000 7:45:00 PM
From: John Carragher	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62554

One day a little indian boy walked up to the chief and said "Me ready for women." The chief said "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for three days" The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods. Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready for women." The Indian chief says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee." The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles." The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over. The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the ass. "Why the hell did you do that?" she asked. "Just checking for bees." replied the boy.

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (13723)	3/9/2000 2:04:00 AM
From: Karen Lawrence	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62554

That was new to me. :) geocities.com

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (13723)	3/11/2000 7:02:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62554

Urban Myths? I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy". _____________ I worked with an individual who plugged his power board back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his computer would not turn on. _____________ 1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax machine?" 2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?" 1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened." 2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it." __________ I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk". ____________ Tech Support: "What does the screen say now". Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?" ____________ Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. ____________ One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!" ___________ I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (13723)	3/11/2000 7:17:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62554

(a repeat, I think) > Subject: The Genesis of Windows > > 1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from > those he created the Word. > 2. And there were two Bytes in the Word, and nothing else existed. > And God separated the One from the Zero, and he saw that it was good. > 3. And God said - Let the Data be, and so it happened. And God > said - Let > the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and > hard disks and compact disks. > > 4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place > to put > floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created > computers and called them Hardware. > 5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs, small > and large. > And he told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory. > > > 6. And God said - I will create the Programmer, and the Programmer > will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and > Data. > 7. And God created the Programmer, and put him at Data Center, > and God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree. And God said-You can > use all the volumes and subvolumes, but DO NOT USE Windows. > 8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He > took a > > bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look > up at the Programmer, and admire the Programmer, and love all the > things that the Programmer did. And God called the creature: the User. > > 9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS > and it was Good. > 10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And > Bill said > to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs? > 11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every > program and every piece of Data in the Catalog Tree, but told us not > to run Windows or we will die. > 12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you > did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to > God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of > your mouse. > 13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and > easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - > since Windows could replace it. > > 14. So the User installed Windows on his computer, and said to the > Programmer that it was good. > 15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. > And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer > answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them > in the DOS. And God said - Who said you need drivers? Did you run > Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to! > 16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did, you will be > hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with > you. And you will always sell Windows. > 17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, Windows > will > disappoint you and eat up all your Resources, and you will have to > use lousy programs, and you will always rely on the Programmer's > help. > 18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the > User you > will never be happy. All your programs will have errors, and you > will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time. > > 19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door > and > secured it with a password. > > 20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT. <<

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (13723)	3/11/2000 7:25:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62554

> An elderly married couple scheduled their annual > medical examination the > same day so they could travel together. > After the examination, the doctor then said to the > elderly man, "You > appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical > concerns that you > would like discuss with me? > "In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with > my wife for the > first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, > after I have sex with > my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." > > "This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me > do some research > and get back to you." > After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, > "Everything appears to > be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you > would like to discuss > with me?" > The lady replied that she had no questions nor > concerns. The doctor then > asked, "your husband had an unusual concern. He claims > that he is usually > hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you > and then cold and > chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" > "Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the > first time is > usually in July and the second time is usually in > December!"