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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: S K who wrote (3929)	11/21/1997 2:03:00 AM
From: Michael C. Woodward	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

One of the best thus far! Keep them coming.

To: S K who wrote (3929)	11/21/1997 9:51:00 AM
From: S K	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62558

While the Gates' are moving in from their temporary quarters nearby, final construction of their new house is not expected to be completed until the end of the year. > > > >Now if I were a contractor with a sense of humor... > > ----- Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss." > > Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?" > > Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated." > > Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date." > > Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there." > > Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker." > > Bill: "Stacker?" > > Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done." > > Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way." > > Contractor: "Oh! Thats easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs." > > Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?" > > Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system." > > Bill: "You're kidding!?" > > Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way." > > Bill: "<sigh> Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers dont work." > > Contractor: "Thats a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures." > > Bill: "And how do I fix that?" > > Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work." > > Bill: "Thats the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?" > > Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it." > > Bill: "And when will this be fixed?" > > Contractor: "Oh, in your next house-which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

To: S K who wrote (3929)	11/21/1997 10:01:00 AM
From: S K	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62558

A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from the inside of the apartment. He walks inside only to find his wife on the floor of the living room naked. Wife yells, "Help, Help, I am having a heart attack", the husband runs in the other room to call the doctor when one of his kids run up to him and says, "Daddy, Daddy, there is a naked man in the closet!" Husband opens the closet door and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, G-d damn it! My wife is having a heart attack, and here you are trying to scare the kids"!!!

To: S K who wrote (3929)	11/21/1997 10:08:00 AM
From: S K	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62558

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"