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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: John Messbauer who wrote (6394)	8/4/1998 7:55:00 PM
From: jbIII	Respond to of 62549

" Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and you get rid of him for the weekend" - the wife ps. see my profile

To: John Messbauer who wrote (6394)	8/4/1998 8:15:00 PM
From: Jay	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62549

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: "As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position." "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." "Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane." Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately. "Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know." Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..! "Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children. As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight." ***** the following excerpt from a local radio interview. The female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club: Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?" Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, shooting." Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?" Mr. Jones: "I don't see why. They'll be properly supervised on the range." Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?" Mr. Jones: "I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm." Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers." Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one,are you?" ..... End of the interview......

To: John Messbauer who wrote (6394)	8/6/1998 5:58:00 PM
From: fiberman	Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 62549

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Rachel Hunter are flying to a >supermodels conference in Paris, when suddenly the Captain of the plane >announces: "We have just lost all power to the engines of the plane = >and >are going to make an emergency crash landing - please assume the brace >position immediately!" Immediately the three models look at each other >and start preparing for the worst. Claudia quickly pulls out some >lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face up. Bewildered, Naomi >and Rachel ask: "What in the hell are you doing Claudia fixing up your >make-up we are about to fricking crash!" > >Claudia responds: "Well I know for a fact that the rescue workers will >search for, and save first, the people who have the best looking faces >this is why I am putting on my make-up." Immediately Rachel Hunter rips >open=7F >her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably >defy >the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Rachel >have >you lost your #$#)* senses?? Why are you baring your breasts for >everyone to see we are about >to die!" > >Rachel responds: "I have it on good authority that in plane crashes, >the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful >breasts >this is why I am exposing my tits!" > >Not hesitating for a moment, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and >panties to expose her female "love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia = >and >Rachel yell: "Naomi - Are your fucking crazy?? Why are you exposing >your pussy for everyone to see??" > >Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCH, PLEASE! I know for a fact that the >first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is the black >box!!"