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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9721)	5/16/1999 11:52:00 AM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62548

There was a world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. She went about painting beautiful impressions of eyes on all the walls, like wallpaper. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office?" The doctor responded, "I'm really happy I'm not a gynecologist."

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9721)	5/16/1999 11:54:00 AM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62548

A telphone man joined the Army. As part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor tried to find out why. "What's the matter with you?" asked the DI. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?" "I was a telephone man," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..." The telephone man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off! "Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end."

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9721)	5/16/1999 11:58:00 AM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62548

A guy wants to have a luau. He needs a pig for a luau, so he goes to a pig farm. He asks the farmer for a twenty-pound pig. The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile. He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins swinging the pig around for a few seconds. He puts the pig down, and says, "Nope, not quite twenty pounds." He picks up another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings the pig around awhile, and declares, "This one's twenty pounds!" He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone, "You can't weigh a pig like that!" "Sure I can, it's how I was taught by my pappy, and his pappy before him." said the farmer, "Watch this!" He called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth, and swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said, "This one weighs twenty pounds." The city man still looked like he didn't believe it, so the farmer told the boy to get his mother so that she could weigh the pig. "She can't come out right now," the boy said. "She's weighing the mailman."

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9721)	5/16/1999 12:02:00 PM
From: Don Pueblo	Read Replies (16) \| Respond to of 62548

One day on a busy street corner a huge muscular biker type walks up to two guys and asks one, "Thcuse me buddy, can you tell me where thidee thid, and thacramento ith?" The guy didn't reply at all, but just pointed toward the intersection. The biker then asked again, but still no reply. Finally the biker figured out the man must be deaf, so he walked away. The man's friend looked over at him and said, "Jim, why didn't you just tell that biker dude where Thirty Third and Sacramento was?" Jim replied, "Thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!"

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9721)	5/16/1999 12:05:00 PM
From: Don Pueblo	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62548

YOUR CO-WORKER COULD BE A SPACE ALIEN, SAY EXPERTS ... here's how you can tell (c) by Michael Cassels of the National Inquirer Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human - but you can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They listed 10 signs to watch for: 1. Odd or mismatched clothes. "Often space aliens don't fully understand the different styles, so they wear combinations that are in bad taste, such as checked pants with a striped shirt or a tuxedo jacket with blue jeans or sneakers," noted Brad Steiger, a renowned UFO investigator and author. 2. Strange diet or unusual eating habits. Space aliens might eat French fires with a spoon or gobble down large amounts of pills, the experts say. 3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand earthly humor may laugh during a serious company training film or tell jokes that no one understands, said Steiger. 4. Takes frequent sick days. A space alien might need extra time off to "rejuvenate its energy," said Dr. Thomas Easton, a theoretical biologist and futurist. 5. Keeps a written or tape recorded diary. "Aliens are constantly gathering information." said Steiger. 6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger. 7. Constant questioning about customs of co-workers. Space aliens who are trying to learn about earth culture might ask questions that seem stupid, Easton said. "For example, a co-worker may ask why so many Americans picnic on the Fourth of July," noted Steiger. 8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't discuss domestic details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends," said Steiger. 9. Frequently talks to himself. "An alien may not be used to speaking as we do, so an alien may practice speaking," Steiger noted. 10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger. The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien. *********

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9721)	5/16/1999 12:09:00 PM
From: Don Pueblo	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62548

A smartass F-4 pilot was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better." The bomber pilot bet the F-4 pilot that he could execute a move that the fighter pilot couldn't, and he would bet the fighter pilot 5 grand. The F-4 pilot took the bet. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?" "I just shut down two engines."

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9721)	5/16/1999 7:12:00 PM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62548

An ordinary looking man and a gorgeous woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." The man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!" "I'm sorry, it was just a little joke, and I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9721)	5/16/1999 7:17:00 PM
From: Don Pueblo	Respond to of 62548

"I haven't sold one tractor all month," a tractor salesman tells his friend. "That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya."

To: Don Pueblo who wrote (9721)	5/16/1999 7:29:00 PM
From: Don Pueblo	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62548

Two hunters hire a small plane to take them to a remote area of Canada. Upon dropping off the hunters, the pilot tells them, "Remember only one moose, because the plane wouldn't be able to take off with more weight than that." The hunters go off. A week later when the plane returns to pick them up the two hunters are standing by the lake with two moose. The pilot fumes, "I told you guys only one moose, you'll have to leave one because we won't be able to take off with that much weight." "Oh, c'mon," beg the two hunters, "Last year the pilot let us take two moose on, you're just a chicken." Not wanting to be accused of being a coward, the pilot allows the two to bring both moose on the craft. The plane starts across the lake, straining to take off. The pilot tries and tries to no avail as they run out of room and the plane crashes into the trees at the end of the lake. A while later after coming to one of the hunters gets up and looks at all the scattered debris of the wreck and says, "Where are we?" To which the other hunter replies, "Oh, I'd say about a hundred yards farther than last year."